"♥" note to self.

I've decided to omit the word 'love' from this post. Too early to tell what I'm feeling now, so it can be a variable.

He effortlessly completes who I find myself as – who I am. I am learning how to become at peace with myself, and yet I joyously fail. I find myself in you. Where I want to be and where I’d like to be… where I’d ♥ to be. Simply, you answer each inquiry. In the end – you’re magnetic, and I’m not fighting it. Although, I should be. You always say you’re no good for me…

So when ♥ feels like this, is it really how it should be? You comfort me; I’m at ease around you. Sweet and hopeful, and I think of this every time. How can you keep me here? I know that I ♥ you, but are you sure that this is what you call ♥? Stumbling over my own thoughts; I breathe, because if I panic, you’ll run off, heart in hand. Yearning for a mutual compassion and understanding, and someday soon. You remember how it was, right? You know, when I looked into your eyes and blinked at the sight of your soul… or when we held each other, cried, wondered, wished, imagined, dreamt of everything in silence, only broken by the whispers of sweet, meaningful discourse, and my lips as they fell on your skin. Unlike anything else, it was. You hold onto that key, with which you can liberate these perfect memories –revert them into our present day, and aimlessly fall back into the ♥ we once knew. Dive in headfirst. Or reconsider ♥. Redirect ♥. Revise, edit, and re-submit ♥… because sometimes ♥ requires a little proofreading.

So think back, but not too far back. Those days are not destined to return – bittersweet. Hold on, though, ♥. Don’t let the magnet slip away from you. You train yourself to be lost, but we both know where you belong. Haplessly, we couldn’t protect it, but ♥ can be renewed. The only ♥ that I find is worth holding onto is this. Just don’t disappoint it this time around. All the bullshit can never aptly disguise how we feel about this, because at the end of the day the only thing that ever mattered to us was… love.

sky high—doped up.

So, this post is for people, clothing, objects, or whatever that is dope, in my perspective. I think I'll start with my homegirl - Fefe Dobson!
I always thought she was lame. Now, I am completely convinced that she is awesome. Her songs are good, she's a lot different from the typical artists in her class/genre. She has her own little edginess about her, and THAT to me is dope - being confortable with one's style & making that particular style seem like hot shit! no matter what it is! I just read on wikipedia that she was considered 'R&B' rather than Rock because of her race; she's white & Jamaican. I can imagine how sucky that miscategorization would be. Not being able to follow her passion - which is CLEARLY Rock. I mean, she's Canadian. lol, black girls in Canada get down like that! haha, joke. Her buzz died after she started becoming more edgy, but she's back! Her new song is decent, and I love it. So yea, Fefe - YOU ARE DOPE!


Next is The Kite Runner. Amazing novel that I had to read for my AP English class. I absolutely love this book. My favorite book by far, and reading it has took my mind off of a lot of things going on in my life. I enjoyed it a lot, and Khaled Hosseini is an AMAZING author. I'm so reading A Thousand Splendid Suns. Hands down, The Kite Runner was the dopest book I've ever read.

DOPE ITEMS: Chex Mix, Cranberry Juice - Nantucket Nectars Big Cranberry Juice, oatmeal rasin cookies, turkey bacon & hot dogs, frozen yogurt from YogiBerry! OMG, I might even dedicate an entire post on my love for fro-yo! I must find an equivalent in NJ or the Philly metro area. Apparently, YogiBerry is a DC Metro thang. Yum yum, nigga!

SIDEBAR: Omgosh, I had a dream last night that I tried on a pair of COMFY stilettos that were SO dope. Seriously! They were cute as hell. lol, and in my dream I was like OMG! I love these! They felt like running sneakers on the inside, but they were pumps! How awesome is that? lmao, I'm honestly considering the whole 'girly' thing. I think it's cute if you do it well, and I WANNA love heels. So, we'll see how this works out, if it works out. lol.


Music Videos - Video Playlists - New Music

Fefe's new jawn!

-IJ

sky high—the decline.

And just like that. Every ounce of self-respect is gone. I bottle up these insecurities. Hoping, praying, wishing, that I wouldn't regret it all in less than two days. "I give you my all and the next morning you forget who... or why".

So now I'm wishing that you didn't know my number, name, or anything. Wishing that you didn't exist. Only because it hurts more than I expected it to. It hits me... like, you really don't care, do you? I could have left this behind, moved on, and pretended that you didn't mean anything. I would have been sort of happy. Now what? I'm stuck. You have every reason to love me, but you won't. Yet, you only need one reason to not love me. At this thought, I honestly become irrate - you don't love me because I called you an ass? Literally, it's that simple.

I lay in my bed... practically lifeless. My energy is sucked out of me. My self-esteem, my pride, my happiness, my joy, my confidence. It's like everything lies within that thought of love - True Love, which does not exist in my life. Only this excuse for being on the phone with you every night. Thinking of you when I go to sleep, only because I feel like I need to in order to stay content. This cycle has been conditioned into my way of thinking. Psychologically, I'm a mess. I break away from it, and I become so self-satisfied. Then I come back, and I secretly hate myself for being so weak, vulnerable, and brainless. You kill every thought of hope that I have for myself. I love you? Why? Because you used to love me, too. The way love was supposed to feel.

I tremble. I am so fearful of this. Rejection. Complete killjoy... this feeling can't be appropriately transcribed into words. Just imagine feeling better than ever, and suddenly, intuition tells you that you won't have this feeling for long. Sure enough, you're ignored. Completely shut out of someone's life. The person who tells you that they love you and miss you every night. That person has no idea what he/she is doing to you, just by saying 'I love you'.

I have no love for myself. I thrive off of the love of someone else. Always have, I guess. I am incredibly weak. I have no pride in myself after being rejected. Just utter disdain. I hate myself for doing whatever to that person. It's always my fault. I'm to blame. Shifting back and forth from happiness to depression. I imagine, dream about being happy. Once I get a few days of this happiness, I live for it. I love myself, but more importantly, I love you. Self-love doesn't matter anymore... I got you for that, right? Until I don't have you... and you leave me in this pain. Tears pouring out of my EARS, because my tears from my eyes couldn't possibly suffice. Where's this all coming from? Why can't I just be stronger than this? Suffocated with this dejection and worthlessness. I feel like absolutely nothing.

I'll never be enough. My love won't be enough, my care, affection, concern. Nothing. In the end, I'm just trying to regain your love, when I know that won't happen. You won't ever love me the way that I love you. I strive to occupy myself with you, and you push me away. I won't give up on you, and for that, you give up on me. Your selfishness is the reason why I can't be happy on my own. Love me or leave me alone, right? Why can't I believe in that? Why won't I ever appreciate another guy? When will you understand that no one else could love you the way that I do?

And just like that. I find myself in this never ending cycle of thoughts. Negative, self-depricating thoughts. In a depressed rut. "Until you find yourself, it's impossible to lose you... because I never had you. Although, I would be glad to. I'd probably go and tattoo your name on my heart.. I swear, I start to think that I'm going crazy".

Late Night.

Funny, because I just finished catching up with my bestfriend Elena over the phone. Whenever we talk, we "give & take," and always end our conversations with a better understanding of whatever the topic is. I love her! She will always be there for me, and I know it. That makes me really happy.

Okay, she told me about a bad situation that happened to her tonight. Neither of us have ever been in a situation like it. It involved boys fighting, crying, and drama out the assss. Bestfriends have to support each other, and that's what I did. Over the phone, of course. lol. She's fine, thank God. The situation is over, for the moment. After she explained everything, we talked everything through, and she's all right. Thennnn, it was my turn. lol.

So what's been going on with me? Just a lot of poor decisions on my behalf. I made a mistake by not letting go of the past, and it caught up with me. Now, I'm dealing with the reality of the present. Things will never quite be the same as before. Devestating at first, but it's real life. Nothing stays the same, and that's the beauty of it. I can't insist on wishing for something that will not happen. I cannot remain consumed in a false reality that will never come true. I have to realize the truth of the matter.

I am waiting for something incredible to happen, lol. Like a miracle! For the one person to suddenly feel how I feel. For the mutuality to suddenly reappear. Wait, I should correct that. I was waiting. I can't anymore. No one understands how I felt. Nothing could ever compare to what I felt. After all of the rejection, alienatation, desperation - yes, I said it - I REFUSE. I am worth so much more. I have every reason in the world to be happy without this person. Sure, I was happy with him, but so what? It sucks that I could never feel that EXACT feeling again, but so what? I have the power to be happy alone, or with someone else. Call it you want, but these are my feelings, and they are justified by all means. I will always frown upon my moments of stupidity, because I know myself. At the same time, however, I know people are somewhat fed up with my decisions, indeciveness, and obscurity. Whatev. I did what i did, and I'm still here. I get so caught up in the moment. Lol, I spaz out, and then think about it a week later like - what the hell? Why was I so angry? - lmao. Pretty funny, because everyone does. If not a week later, then a month or so.

It truly is a learning experience, these years in high school. My experiences may not seems as "juicy" as others, but I've had my share of drama. Not fun. I am SO emotional. It is somehow in my nature to be emotional, because I have this 'passion' thing. Lol, sounds retarded. Whenever I'm involved or dedicated or committed to something, this passion just comes out of no where, and I am IN it. If I actually get to the point where I fall in love, which takes a lot, I am there. There's no question about it, and I will never try to hide that from the person I'm in love with or those around me. If it's there, it's there. That's where I make my mistakes. I get caught up with the idea of loveeee, and unconditional loveeeee - where, no matter what, I am here. It takes a lot to "fall out of love", and I still haven't quite figured that out yet. I am afraid of this passion, at times. It can completely take over, and I become like... someone else. It is intense! I sound weird, but it is completely true, and idk. This same passion to love someone can be easily redirected into anger & utter disdain for someone who does not appreciate me, respect me, or whatever else. Not everyone, just the person who I completely open up to.

Love is funny. I can only characterize it subjectively, so I won't. lol, But I will give my opinions and thoughts on love. I have yet found love that I can depend on. Many may argue that if it isn't 'dependable,' it isn't love. Well, whatever. I don't agree. Love is so tricky, and it changes. I hate that it changes. That's probably what I fear the most. When things start to change... when love changes. When you look at things differently, question things you would never question, say things you would never have the nerve or courage to say. When love changes, one has absolutely no control. I hate it! Not having control of something that is, in essence, yours, and no one elses. I had everything right in front of me, and suddenly, things are hidden. Tricky business..

One day, I'll learn more. I'll understand my own passion & nature. I'll understand my tendencies, and learn how this love thing really works. At this age, it eventually become somewhat of a game. If you aren't playing the game, chances are he or she is. I could explain, in depth, my experiences, and how love has been soooo tainted for me. Unfortunately, I won't. I am, once again, afraid of true love. I don't even know what it is, or if it can ever exist. Everything seems real for the moment. Being hurt by the person you "love the most," has happened twice. It's good, though. I just have to reevaluate what it means to love.

Still waiting for the one person to prove everything wrong. And to the person who let me down this time - you probably won't realize what this all means anytime soon. You've become everything that I never wanted you to become. Not sure how it happened. You were truly the realest thing I knew for the longest time, and I loved you for that. Maybe I held on because I didn't want you to become that guy - typical. It's hard to understand anything when it comes to you now. You're so far gone with what's around you... and because you're so selfish and oblivious, you won't ever see what was in front of you - what you had all along. In the end, it was my fault. I was foolish. Being unconditional doesn't work when love doesn't exist... and you can't look for something that doesn't exist, right? Therefore, you win.



I love this song.

-IJ

Homecoming.

I haven't blogged in years! Sike. more like a month. I AM HOME FROM DC.

FAQs

Sooo, how was it?!
Amazing. I loved St. Albans, the School of Public Service, and DC. I've met soo many people who are INCREDIBLY intelligent. Being around so many driven, bright, and motivated high school students, all with similar goals and aspirations, is sooo enlightening. It was almost intimidating at first. lol, Seriously. However, as the weeks passed, it was fine. It's like, now I have this family from Boston, and a whole bunch of cool people in Tennessee that will always be there for me. Of course, there are like 40 new facebook friends, LMAO, and people who will now be apart of my 'network'! DC is an amazing city, and I'd sooo live there. So now, I gotta get into some research, as far as colleges. I would love to go to American, GW, or Georgetown. I am looking forward to being in DC again, and of course, Howard is still an option. Ultimately, I had the best time. Spending four weeks of my summer before senior year doing intense college-like studying on Policy & Government sounds sucky, but it was SO worth it. Trust me.

Soooo, now what?!
Time to focus on colleges, summer work & reading, and my senior year. There is SO much on my plate this year, and I'm looking forward to it. Sounds insane, lol. But I know I can handle all of this, and I can't wait to actually say that I have. So here it is:
AP Calculus, AP English, AP US History, Honors Physics, Senior Mentoring, Concert Band, Field Hockey, Basketball, Yearbook, Newspaper, the entire Student Government, the Board of Education, and I would love to add on to the list with Leo Club, and other service groups where I can give back to the community somehow. I'm sure that won't happen through the school, so I have to take the time to actually find out where they are.

" I just wanna be successful. "
- Trey Songz

Indeed. I wanna tackle everything and come up clean. Weird metaphor, lmao. But yea, that's how I feel. After being in DC, I've realized that I have these duties to uphold, and I want to be able to accomplish every goal I set for myself. So in order to prepare myself for everything that will happen in the near future, I have to be willing to accept responsibility. I can't shy away from anything at this point. I won't.

Well, this post may be really boring, but I wanted to save the 'feelings' for another post. I have a lot to say, but I don't think I'll ramble on about it for too long. I'd like to get my thought out, but I'd also like to stay somewhat private. So yea. All in all, it feels good to be home!



But I still miss it a lot, lmao. DC was awesomeeeeee.

Picture This.

PROM 2009

Lol, nutty.

Just a few.
-IJ

Wait...

warning: this will make no sense if you aren't the person I'm adressing. you can scroll down.

Time out:
what is your problem, homeboy? you've been doing you, so why give me a hard time?
i'm over it. yes, you win. i can't argue with you about something that YOU had total control over. you control your actions, not me. WHY/HOW can you possibly be mad at me for that? You're funny money. SERIOUSLY.

IDC:
you can do whatever you like. but don't get mad at me because I'M NOT MAD AT YOU. you want me to be angry, and i'm like.. uh. why? the situation is completely over, and you did what you wanted to. don't even worry about what happened with me, and why i'm not mad. that's not even important. i'm glad that you & homegirl aren't arguing for once, and that you're actually happy & not stressing. (on Friday, at least) duh? is that not something to be happy about? i'm honestly convinced that you would rather me be jealous than to be happy for you, which is sad. you're so used to drama & insecure/clingy girls that you think normality & maturity is abnormal. if you haven't noticed, i'm not like any of the girls you've been around. not trying to brag... just letting you know.

YOU:
HATE the fact that i want you to be happy... with or without me. i wish you weren't like that. that's just me being selfless & considerate. i care about you, but that doesn't mean i have to be selfish. i think you feel obligated to making certain people happy or something, and i'm like... why? you should be able to do what you want, say what you wanna say, and be real about it. as close as we were, i'm not sure why you would treat me like that. you 'missing me' & all that is cool, but this drama shit was never for me.. and i've said that a million times. i really don't know what you want from me at this point, and i'm not asking you for anything... you told me to leave you alone, and I promise I will. pleeeease don't expect me to be in your face, or anything. you asked for it, not me. you HAVE my number, so don't post shit about me on MySpace indirectly. wish you weren't being SO hypocritcal about all of this. you cursed me out? fine. but don't expect anything from me without an apology and an explaination first. i have no clue why any of this happened, and why you are so angry with ME. until you come to me with some kind of reasoning, don't expect much. -_-


fin.

Okay, in other news. lol... i'm enjoying myself lately. there's a picture or two from Prom under THE PHOTOS. i basically got a full scholarship to St. Albans School of Public Service, and I'm g-double-o-d, gooood. (in the words of KiD CuDi lol) Leaving really soon, so I'll be blogging more next week or so. Finals prep & school are my priorities for the time being. Took SATs - i feel really good about my Math, so hopefully my score that reflects that. I love my friends, they areee the best. Bon isn't an asshole anymore, which makes things a lot easier. My brother got a full scholie to GWU, yaaay. Family is proud of us, and I'm really happy with this year. Successful as heeelllllll. Time to go, here's a song. I based my entire blog on this song, lol.



-IJ

Where Love Is Like Breathing.

(watch in HQ, so much better.)

This song means waaay too much to me. I have no clue where the significance comes in.

Naw, I'm lying, I do. I feel like this SO often — wanting to get away... somewhere with the one person who could make me feel beyond overjoyed. Nothing sexual, if that's what you're thinking (you're pretty lame if you were...)

Just being with the person who I couldn't possibly get tired of. Someone to prove everything wrong—all of the stupidity that I grew accustomed to. Not bubbly or fairytale-like, just slightly surreal. Where everything feels somewhat perfect, realistically. (if that makes sense?)

Love should be like breathing. It should be evident, involuntary, and one should be able to embrace every part of it at any & every moment. Well, reality comes in — i guessssss we can't always exert love and accept it at every single moment; but feeling the effortless, magnetic love where everything just falls into place? We all should be able to experience that in our lives, sooner or later. I know I have to. I'd LOVE to be in love that way, and frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

SIDEBAR: This does NOT mean I'm not willing to 'fight for love', or whatever that means. Love should always endure through adversity, and if it doesn't... uh, it ain't love, right? I'm done, lmao. What do I know about love, you say? You're right. Absolutely nothing, but I definitely think love is subjective. So call it what you want.

I should be taking a shower/HW. Thanks blogger, you always do find a way to throw me off, lol. This picture looks awesome on my blog, too.. the one underneath this post.

-IJ

Present, Past, Future.

Memorial Day weekend came and went. It was indeed chill & much needed. I was sick yesterday, but miraculously, lmao, I am completely fine today. Yaaay. My weekend was funnnnn. Friday, I went to Sectionals for track. It was TOO funny. Me and Brittany are a mess together, and then with Sty & Micaela? Too much fun. The track boys are hilarious, and they made everything that much more fun. I heard it was hella fun on Saturday too, but I didn't feel like waking up at 7AM. Track season is over, pretty much. I enjoyed it, a lot.

Saturday was hella fun. First time out with Lane & Bee in a while and first time with Tiff & Mercedes. I wish Ishanna stayed! But, it was soo much craziness all in one car. Riding to the city was funny. Riding around the city was hella funny, and then going back to Jersey was freaking CRAZY. Stupid, yet sooo much fun in retrospect. I honestly miss just being out with all of my best friends. School has cut me off from everything & everyone this year. I MISS MY ITGIRLS the most, though. THEY are the best! Like, all of us together is SO MUCH fun. My best friends Missy & Naj - they work and juggle so much shit. I hardly ever get to just be with them, but last year we were ALWAYS with each other. I so miss it.

This time last year was the best. I had all of ITGIRL best friends, and then my other best friend, Bon. We were SO close. Thick as thieves! lol, So much has changed. I miss the way it was, but I can only embrace now for what it is. I'm grateful for my best friends, and I have Ishanna now, who wasn't there before. I still have Bon, we still have each other, and I'm glad. Yet, I can't help but to wonder, you know? We all do. I have a lot of stuff to focus on, and I'm not looking for a boyfriend. If I were, I don't think I'd settle for anyone other than him, as terrible as that sounds. Well, actually... I mean, if I met anyone who could be better for me than him, I would be willing to. But I'm not looking, and that person isn't around, so I'm good.

Sucks, because I actually wanted things to progress with the one person I was talking to. But, at this point, I'm almost certain that things won't. I'm not going to put effort out, and in return, get a pat on the back. I'm not going to show my ass to get attention, either. I hate when nothing is clear to me, and I have to constantly seek clarification. Like wth, that's retarded. I'm understanding, but I think people have to realize that some things just AREN'T okay. Maybe I was wrong for looking for something more, because based on everything, this person apparently was not interested in that. Shame on IJ? I suppose. Buttt, i'm just wayyyy too bossy. lmao. That's a joke.. but honestly, c'mon. Don't be ambiguous with me. Either it is or it ain't. There really shouldn't be anything in between - that's where I refuse to be.

Well, that covers pretty much everything. PROM IN FOUR DAYS. A little excited... lmao. Okay, I lied. I'm hella stoked & very anxious. Idk, why. Just two weeks ago, I hardly wanted to go... ahahaa. I had a reaally awkward dream about prom that I won't even elaborate on. Gave me the creeps, forreal. Summer is so close, and I love it. i hope this summer loves me back. For once, I may have a decent summer, where everything falls right in place. Going to DC, then when I get back (neverrrr! lol), I'll be working & doing whatever. Plus, California sounds like a go, too. I'm waaaay too stoked.

sidebar: If I pull off THREE more correct answers on SATs than I did last time, I have full-tuition & fees guaranteed at Howard. YAAY! Looks like I might not have to pay for college. I'm at 1140 with Critical Reading & Math combined, I need a 1170 for the scholarship, and I'm aiming for a 1300 for the next scholarship, which covers tuition, fees, & housing. Howard wasn't my first choice, intially, but the money is looking right. holla.

So high, and there is no looking down.

-IJ

LMAO.

Cop forgets national anthem


Straight butchered the National Anthem, though.
ahahahahaahaha.

I am far from poetic.

Why do we settle for sub par?

What is it that inclines us to stay, rather than find something greater? Is it fear that if we search for something greater, our desires may remain unfulfilled? Or are we reaching for something that is unattainable?

What is there to question? Nothing at all. I know what I want. I know what I am searching for, and I'm not in a rush to find it. I would much rather have no one than to have someone who is not right for me. This stupid chase that we all go through disgusts me. When it's right, everything comes together. When it isn't, there's a force between it that pushes you away. Fighting against it only further leads to the realization - THIS is not what I need.

I don't need anyone in my life to hold me back - hence the reason why I have a handful of friends. It is beyond troubling to be at constant unease. I genuinely want to have more friends, who will not hold me back, but advance me to the next stage of my life. At this point, I think it won't happen in high school, at all.

I keep all of this in mind every single day. I need nothing that this society has to offer - this bullshit that people deem normality. I went through more than anyone could imagine throughout my high school years. I became apart of every crowd there is. I won't say "don't judge me," because you will anyway. I am trying to exemplify the essence of real, whether or not anyone thinks I am successfully doing so. I find it hard to fake feelings. Call it what you want.

If I can't see the bigger picture, it means nothing. No one relates to my utmost thoughts. I have the strangest imagination, dreams, goals, and ideals. I have never met anyone who has truly embraced this about me. Yet, this is asking someone to understand things that are incomprehensible.

Inspire me for ONCE. Is there anyone who possibly could? Yes. There is. I met someone who almost completely understood me, which is extremely honorable. But, still in search of...

I climb for me. I reach for me. I do things for me and MY future. I stumble, of course. I slip up, and consider trivial things that surround me, but I always refocus.

I WILL NO LONGER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT I DESERVE.

-IJ

We Become Legendary — Everything We Dreamed Of...

I feel so relieved! I did well today during my speech, and although I am running unopposed, I felt that doing a great speech was absolutely necessary. I had an insane case of stage fright for the longest time. I am really a shy person, deep down inside. However, I felt amazing after my speech—I felt like I could do anything if I wanted to. My brother inspired me in SO many ways, and today was just another example of how much I admire him. He gave me ALL of these pointers, lol. And it worked! It helped me so much today.

So where do I go from here? I got a call today from a woman at St. Albans! They want to hear from me and confirm everything.
SUPER IRONIC, as I typed this first part ^, I decided to call her back. No answe so, I started to send her an e-mail, and then she called me back, and St. Albans JUST got my forms. NOTE, I sent them 4 weeks ago!! You can check the blog.. during Spring Break! -_- I really don't know what happened buttt, it sucks A LOT. I'd hate to not get enough money because of this. I want to go to this program SO badly.

Well, I am okay. Just a little concerned about my summer now. However, I have to remain focused. I have been getting a little distracted lately. Silly me, I know. But I feel good about a lot of things. Includinggggg.. yeah. Him, too. He's making my week a little bit better everyday now, AND I LOVE IT.

My future seems hella bright. Lol, I'm just hoping that it only gets brighter. Now that the majority of my issues are resolved, I have to just wait things out. Prom is soon. My application to the Yardley Commons place is in, and I'm just waiting on that. My finals are coming up, but that's IT. After that, this Junior year will be gone, and you don't even know how excited I am! YAAAAAAAY. It was successful, and Senior year will only get better. Gotta Thank God for everything.

Maybe no one will ever understand why I love this song so much. It puts me somewheree else — a place where this song could actually come true. Lol, I wish; story of my life. I want someone to prove everythingggg wrong. Before, everything that I imagined was him. Okay, well, I didn't dream of having the perfect-Filipino-boyfriend, lol, but that didn't make any difference to me. I just wanted someone to understand me, and accept me for me, no matter what.

But no one is perfect. Even if one tries to be. I know I'm imperfect. I admit to it everyday, and I own up to all of my shit. Yet, I get the SORRIEST explanations as to why I'm not good enough. AH, whatever. I'm like, you crazy. IalreadyknowI'mtoofllyyyyyy.
Quit fronting on me, people. lolllll.

Lol, So I'll post both songs. Prototype & Punch Drunk Love. They're only a song apart on my iPod. Coincidental, I guess.

OKAY! I'm gone. Sit tight, I might give a Prom sneak peak! Lol, not that serious, so I might as well, right?

-IJ

You Are the Prototype — still.

Well, I had to update. It has been over a week andddd, I AM SO HAPPY THAT AP CHEM IS OVER. My exam was today, and it was not fun, at all. However, it is ovahhh. Yeeeuhhhh. Time to focus on another phase. ie: Getting my job soon, getting my prom stuff, Student Government elections, and SUMMER IN D.C.!

Yippie, I'm running for President unopposed, lol. So, I will be President next year for sure. I am quite pleased. Running against someone isn't important to me. Doing what I need to do as President, however, is my goal amongst all other things. Um, I'll be hella busy with all of that. It is mandatory to become the student member on the Board of Education as President of Student Gov, and I already know who I'm choosing as for the second member - Seany G! Lol, or Sean. One of my better friends. Also helps that his Dad is on the BOE already, lmao. That's a pretty good look. The point is, I have to be at EVERY board meeting. Demanding? Quite. Impossible? Never. Worthwhile? Of course. I will be learning a lot from the whole experience. Going to St. Albans School of Public Service this summer is also a VERY good look for me. It will definitely put me where I need to be, and give me a lot of insight and knowledge in public policy. Bossy? I know. LOL.

In addition to this madness, I'm trying to fit in time for sports, and a steady j-0-b. I'm hunting now, so we'll see what happens. I get easily frustrated with job applications. I NEVER get called back! Of course, I follow up and all of that, but nothing ever goes through. Nonetheless, I'm determined to get shit done, no matter what. I will be getting a job, SOON. Bossy? I knowww, I knowww. lol!

Today was not the best day. I felt like 30 different ways ALL at once, lol. I was frustrated, upset, confuseddd, apathetic, nostalgic, and so many other mixed feelings that I just didn't feel like explaining to anyone. I would sound crazy...

The Chem test was very overwhelming. After that was over, I felt SO empty. Lol, mentally and emotionally. I wanted everything after that to just go smoothly. Basically, I wanted things to happen MY way. They didn't, as usual. Lmao, the WORST part about it is that I get upset as if someone let me down... but, I come up with these conclusions in my mind, and I get my OWN hopes up. In the fantasy world in my mind, lol, things happen so perfectly. My expectations are insane. When people don't live up to them, I look at them funny, as if they KNEW what I wanted them to do. Yet, I expect people to know what I want without telling them...

I miss how things were BEFORE the insignificance became the most important part of my relationship with him. He let me down, and I couldn't believe that it happened the way it did. I still wish that none of it ever happened... It changed me in SO many ways. Now, I look at life as if everyone has the same twisted image of equality. And then this question arises — AM I JUST NOT WORTH IT TO YOU?

I hate this whole story, and I hate how it affected me. I have never been so offended and unappreciated in my life. Thanks, a lot... but don't worry, I looooove being a black girl, lmao. I LOVE who I am. I hate that I am selfish, and I'll admit to that. That's a character flaw that I CAN change. But I could never change my identity, my race, my culture, my family, or my intrinsic ability to love unconditionally. So yea, if you can't be unconditional, you are a complete waste of time. 8 months to be exact..

Ah, so I just caught myself venting.. lol. But this is what it's for, pretty much. My life, and everything that I will never get a chance to say or explain to anyone. It alllll comes here, whenever I get the opportunity to post. Blogging is super cooool! Lol.

Sidebar, It's funny when people come back into your life just to remind you of how far off you were back then. This person will never read this, but nigga you are stoooopid. Like, what did you do? Bang your face against the keyboard when you sent that nutty ass message? Honestly, you won't ever get that far with me again in yo' life. So keep that shit movin'. I'll talk to you when I talk to you... lmao. Butttt, we can still have lunch, dinner, or see a movieeeeee — your treat. lmao! No, that tops it all. THAT was bossy. Lol, call it what you want. I'm actually feeling a lot better than I felt earlier. Lol, so yeaaaa this week should be interesting...

-IJeezy.

System Overload.

I feel like... hm.
What am I really searching for at this point? No clue... but I know I'm trying to find something. I feel so content, and then I start thinking... like "would I be happier if...?" So it's starting to come down to IF. I hateeee 'if'.

Okay, besides that. I don't know if I'm wrong for all of this. I hate that the person who I felt the closest to is so far gone. He is truly somewhere else, and when I try to figure out where he is, or how he got out there, it's pointless. Mind you, my attempts to 'be there' for this person is not for me, at all. I am not doing any of this in vain. However, all of my consideration means nothing to this person. So what I can do besides walk away from it all? I have no problem with doing that, but I hate looking at him knowing that he is so far from the person that I loved him for. I have nothing else to give at this point. I mean, I do, but I can't. I am happy that he is alive & well, and I wish him the best of luck for the future (God bless!)... but I think I have decided that I will not stick around to see how things turn for him. No one could ever truly understand the relationship I had with this person. We know each other better than anyone in this world. That's why I feel this way.

Dramaaaaa. Lol, it deters everything. If I'm in any of it, see how quickly I come out of it. You honestly think that I will stay in a situation that will result in drama? No? You're so right! Think about it... it will get me NO WHERE. It will get THEM NO WHERE, and if you think I'm willing to put myself in drama for one person—you are stoooopiddddd, lmao, and you must not know me too well. So, for the record, I'm not with any of it. You can count me out. Basically, I will always stay true to myself. I will not change to accommodate anyone. Now, I wanna make something clear about that. When I recognize that something is better than what I was doing before, I will adjust for ME—to better myself. However, I am not going to switch up my basic morals to stay in the picture. I am not going to fight for attention, I am not going to show my ass, I am not going to sway my beliefs. If I am worth it to you, it would be a really good idea to let ME know. Otherwise, I will try to interpret things and fix myself on these ideas, which are never really accurate, lmao, but that's what I do when I know NOTHING. I try to figure it out myself! And frankly, so does everyone else. Okay soooo, lol. I just want to know where I am in the picture... if I am even IN the picture, lmao. No hard feelings if I'm not. It's all love over here! And if it has to be like that, well... idk. Unlike other people, I will live—with or without this person. We all have our problems. Blah, blah. ifi'minthewaythenletmeknowwww, lol. Simple as that.
YOU DIGGG?!? lmao, in case you didn't know, I'm hood in real life. Like, fuhrill doe.

Lmao, on a lighter note. Since I haven't blogged in a minute—school has been quite demanding—I'm still trying see what's up for the rest of my life. Lmao. Seriously... I have like so much to decide within the upcoming months. College apps are about to get real serious. I take SATs again. I'm starting look at scholarship jawns. I'm about fail my AP test.. lol. AH, don't remind me. Speaking of which I have to get to wizzork. I have some stuff to do, and I need to shower... lmao! Okay, byeeee niggas. SOKEEPYOURLOVELOCKEDDOWN.

Michael Jackson is KING of this shit! Seriously.


-IJ

A Certain Lust for Life.

Weird fact about me...

I love cutting my own hair. I get this strange satisfaction in seeing hair all over my bathroom sink, and after I'm done, I don't really care how short my hair is afterwards. It's just, "bye bye split ends," and then I'm happy. Yay. NO, it isn't this drastic, so don't get all in my face about it. I just love Kelis. Always have. Her haircuts are the dopest ON HER. If I had the balls, I'd so cut it this short, but I don't, so I'll just put her face up here.

I have to sweep & mop my bathroom and my kitchen before like 6. So that should be tons of fun. But anyway...Well, right now, everything is almost perfect. It will never be perfect, so I'm not complaining, but things seem to be going my way lately. Honor Roll, damn near straight A's. Ugh, I want them so bad! Just one B. But Q4 should definitely be straight A's... My AP test is coming soon, and after that, my AP Chem class is completely over. Yaaay. And right now, all we're doing is review, so there isn't anything to grade us on. Lol, so yea. I'm excited that this year is almost at its end.

"Some People Hate", Jay-Z. It's on the Gift & the Curse. That song describes how things are for me right now. At this point in my life, I make a lot of my own decisions, and I try not to stick too close to anyone. A lot of people would LOVE to see me fail. A lot of people would love to see me unhappy. Ironically, some of them are my "friends". I live for it, though. Seriously. I love when people have something negative to say to me in all of my glory, lol. Sounds weird, but when I'm doing really well and I'm excelling past everyone around me, people look at me funny, as if I'm not allowed to do well. Well, pay attention world: I AM NOT AN UNDERACHIEVER, so I guess everyone will have to get used to that.

Here's the thing, though. I will always be humble and modest about my own success. I never try to blurt it out or brag. Yet, I alwayssssss notice that people will try to brag PURPOSELY about something they've achieved. And I'm like.. GREAT JOB! I'm SO happy for you. SIKE.

I don't care, I still don't care, and I'll never acknowledge you or congratulate you when you're being pompous & arrogant. Clown. I will never do that whole bragging thing, so don't worry, you could never say I am being hypocritical about all of this. I don't expect anyone (in school) to care about what's going on in my life, what I've been doing throughout this school year, or how hard I've been working. So I'll leave it at that.

Everything is still great though. On to another topic, just for me to get my thoughts out. Lately, I've been feeling like... soon, I'll forget about it all. I'll forget about everything that I thought I would never forget. Just as the days go by, I'm going along with them, and there is nothing that's slowing me down from moving on. So what do I do? I keep going until something stops me. If nothing does, I'll keep going. Simple. I'm in a weird position though. I can think that everything is how it should be, but I'm never sure. Yes, he tells me everything, and I love that & I appreciate that a lot, but sometimes I do feel a certain way about EIGHT other people being in the picture. Most of the time, I understand. But I feel like I'm always trying to figure shit out. Like, today. I'm like, wait wha? When did that happen? Am I missing something?

I never gave him that whole "you do you" thing... but I think he gave me that before. Ugh. So where am I? ...I guess I'm in the middle of it all. Exactly where I didn't want to be, lol. Do I really want to forget about everything from the past at this point? I'd like to, and I am starting to. But sometimes, I feel like just another one the girls who's fighting back & forth for his attention. No, I'm not fighting for any attention. I'd never do that, it's really not my style, but I guess it would be nice if he could prove that wrong for me, so that I could REALLY forget about going back to what I thought was right.

I'm done now. I have to go clean up before my Mom gets here. Yippieeee. My non-stop song is currently - a Drake song. I KNOW! lol, Lame & typical, OF COURSE. But, seriously, I love it. Lissteennn!





"They tryna shoot down my flight, before it lands ... but you can miss me for all that."





-IJ

Pretty Spring Days with White Castle.

—today exemplifies just that. It's like a good 70 or so with a little breeze. Yaaay. I loveee stuff like that. I should have went to Bellmawr beach with my Mom, but I went to the movies with my homeboy Pavan andddd now I'm trying to see what's up for later. OMG, she's bringing home WHITE CASTLE!! I know, I'm soooooooooo stoked. (NOTE: I'VE ACTUALLY HAD WHITE CASTLE BEFORE; WE USED TO GO LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY. NO EXAGGERATION! lol.) No, I have never seen the entire Harold & Kumar jawn, but believe it or not, White Castle actually existed before the movie came out. Crazy, right?!?! I KNOW.

Best Saturday Afternoon everr, lol. Hopefully it gets better.

I think I'll spend the next hour doing homework. About that whole "not doing work on Sundays" thing? Lmao, I'm a fraud. I know I'll be doing HW all day tomorrow. Oh welllll, procrastination is my third middle name. Don't even ASK what the other two are... lmao, i have a love-hate thing with those stupid names.

I'm in a good mood, probably because I accomplished a lot after all this week. I can't wait until school is over with. There's only 1/4 left of my Junior year. HELL yes. It was hard, I must admit. I'm just glad that I worked hard, because I know it should pay off. Yaay.

So that's pretty much it. I'm happy with everyone in my life. Time to work. I might post something a little later... I just might. Oh, and I love this song now, thanks to Matt. Yaay, lol.

Sat(t)elite - Charles Hamilton

-IJ

Find A Way.

"I get mad when I don't get my way. I also get mad when I cannot find a way to get somewhere. Suckishhhh. I have things to do today, but I guarantee that these things won't get done. I've been home alone allll week, and it isn't really cracked up to what it's supposed to be."
-IJ 4.16.09

Well, the other day started off suckish, but it ended pretty nice. I got cake!! lol, but I think I want more. It's realllly good. Spent time with the people that I've been trying to spend time with alllll week, so that's something accomplished, I suppose. Yesterday was... lame too. As beautiful as it was outside, I went no where. Shame on me. I hate this. Spring Break doesn't mean shit if you can't go where ever you want whenever you want. As bad as it sounds—I'D RATHER BE IN SCHOOL FOR ALL THAT. But I did stand outside talking to my best friend until like 1 AM. She is hilarious! yaaaay.

So today, I'm DEFINITELY getting my hair done. I have to. So I'm glad. My week was uneventful, unproductive, and idk... ultimately, LAME. It's time to snap out of this lethargic dream that I've been living in since last Thursday, though. I have to get some of this stuff done - schoolwork that is. There's nothing really to work on besides AP History, AP Chem, and some of this music. YAY. I'm going to get everything done hopefully by tomorrow. I officially hate doing work on Sundays, lol. It always feels like it'll take forever to finish. I want to enjoy my last weekday of Spring Break, though.

When it comes to who I truly want, I can't have my way, of course. I have to take into consideration everything that has happened thus far. In retrospect, I think I've ruined everything with my own selfishness; aside from all of the other stuff. Now, I feel as if everything should be the way that I want it to be—how it SHOULD be—but for the sake of becoming unselfish, I guess, I have to act like I'm okay with how it is. Well, no. I never act like anything. In fact, I remind you a lot, and you remind me too. But am I selfish for wanting you to grow some balls, & just be real with yourself and those around you? Okay, "life's not fair," blah, blah, blah, whatever, but if you feel the way that you say you do, you would do it... eventually. Maybe I'm just looking for it too soon. If it happens, you know I'm here. If it doesn't, I'll still be here. I'd just like to think that it'll happen someday—yeah, yeah. Wishful thinking. But, (back to being selfish, lol) in the words of Ryan Leslie, I shouldn't have to wait (good song!).

All of that doesn't really matter to anyone besides me. I just think about it a lot.. I do wonder if things will ever change. but eh. I have to look at what's in front of me. I kinda wonder whether or not it's REALLY in front of me. It seems so temporary, probably because everything is always temporary for that person. So now, I'm kinda out on a limb, and sometimes I think I should be pulling myself away from all of it. But usually, I'm content with everything, so I just don't mind at all. Either way, drama is GAY & I've never liked it, and I'm not about to start acting like I do. I won't say "just leave me out of it," because that's lame, but idk. Maybe it isn't the right time for us to talk. It might just be easier for you if you get rid of the lame ass girls in your life, including myself. Lmao, sucks.. because I'm serious. Leave it alone and focus on you. I hate that you can never really do that.

Well, I'm done. Time to get dressed. Missy's supposed to come like 11. So, until next time. And hey, I want to keep playing this song overr and overrr. I'm not a stripper... lmao, but I do love this. "Throw your ones up in the aiirrrr for herrrr,"








-IJ

Chocolate Rain.

My day is really suckish so far. I misplaced my wallet, so I couldn't even walk to the salon if I wanted to. Then, more rain. Meaning, if I were to get anything done to my hair, it would get ruined as soon as I stepped outside (exaggerating a bit).

So in the words of Matt, "fckkk my lifeee," lmao.
IT'S ONLY FUNNY BECAUSE I ALWAYS TELL HIM NOT TO SAY IT.
SOUNDS TERRIBLE, RIGHT?

Well, I am pretty down about all of this. I feel as though I'm wasting another day. Hopefully things will get better when Matt gives me my cake. (: lol, Can you believed that he baked a chocolate cake last night, and promised me an entire half of it? Too sweet, right?! I know, I couldn't believe it either. I mean, prefer vanilla cake over chocolate any day... but it's the thought that counts. LMAO.

So there it is. My day is not perfect, but the little things are what truly matter. I woke up this morning, I'm alive, and I'm getting baked goods later. It's minor, but people usually fail to appreciate the 'insignificance' of everyday life. It might not make much sense to you, but I see it as irony. These things seem so unimportant compared to 'what's really going on' throughout the day, but without waking up, we CAN'T go through the good or bad occurrences. Being alive is all that should matter, butttt it isn't, lol. Face it, teenagers don't understand what's really important. Never have, never will. But yea, I'll appreciate today either way.

Now, I think I'll use this free time to start on some of my schoolwork. I haven't touched my book bag since last Thursday. My books are like collecting dust, andddd I think I forgot how to hold a pencil, lmfao (SUCKS, CUS I'M KINDA SERIOUS). Lindenwold Board of Education, why does spring break have to end?

-IJ

Morning Walk?

I would say 'Good Morning', but my day hasn't started off too great. I have to get my hair done, and I'm probably going to have to WALK. My ride cancelled on me. Ugh, I know.

Honestly, I don't know where I got this whole "I'm too worthy to walk anywhere" mentality from. It's so lame, and I really hate that I'm like that at times. It prevents me from just doing regular 16 year old shit, LIKE WALKING PLACES. If I have to walk to get somewhere, I will tell myself no. Anddd, I will actually make myself not want to go there, simply because it requires me to walk. GAY as shit. (No offense!)

I think I have an idea of where I get it from. Besides the fact that I got rides everywhere sophomore year (because my best friends were seniors), and almost all of junior year, (because my boyfriend drove), I am OBSESSED with driving. Well, obsessed sounds weird, sooo I'll just say I'm in love with driving. I love love love it.

Example: My mailbox is like maybe one minute walking distance from my house (or apartment), and everytime I check the mailbox, I HAVE to drive there. It takes literally 30 seconds. But I lovee it! lmao.

So yeah. It's super gay that I have to walk to this salon. I'm so lazy that I'd rather NOT go, than to walk there. But, I can't look this bummy forever & as much as I hate to walk places, I hate looking shitty forever, lol. So, I'll suck it up. Off I go.

Hey, KanYe & Amber Rose can walk! lol:

Good Morning - Kanye West

-IJ

Press Play.

Always loved this. It's not really a song, just an interlude. And this isn't really a video, so just listen:



"Two hour long conversations on the phone, can't get you outta my mind..."
(:

-IJ

Afternoon.

"Relationships, they can be as strange as the weather."
-Common, "I Want You"

This is all too true. It's rainy outside, and I really don't like rain. But then again, what black girl does? So, due to inclement weather, I'm forced to be lazier than yesterday. SOO, now what? Good question. I think I'll start some homework, or catch up on the news. I haven't been able to listen to Democracy Now! because my bestfriend had my iPod in her track bag. I could have listened to it if I reallyyyy wanted to, but since the beginning of spring break, I've had absolutely no self-initiative. I'll probably stay that way until I get tired of being a bum... and I'm starting to get annoyed now. And I was supposed to get my hair done today. Guess that got cancelled. I'm not going to the track meet, and I'm manager. Oh well.

Well, relationships are strange. I kinda wonder why I still care about certain things, but then again, loving someone is all the reason in the world to care. At least, I think so. I'll leave it at that.

RANDOMNESS: I miss Brittany Sinclair! My best friend is somewhere in the Carribbean on a cruise. Her phone is off due to roaming. Sucks, I have free roaming. lol. And my minutes are free at like 6PM. Holllllaaa.

I want to leave something thought provoking... I already linked Democracy Now!, my favorite program to watch. That show is the reason why I never watch TV. So check that out, please?! Well, I just want you guys to hear one of my favorite songs. I'm extremely selfish at times, too. So this usually explains why I feel the way I do, lmao. Good song, nonetheless. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy:

Selfish - Slum Village

PS: All of my forms for St. Albans are filled out! Just gotta mail them, yaaay. (:
-IJ

& Throwin' it uppp!

I fell in love with these when I first saw Taz Arnold's "Vote Obama" video.. & I kinda fell in love with him, lmao. (he's so dope!) He's apart of the SaRa production team, and they're all on G.O.O.D. Music. The price tag on these are pretty steep - $222.00 each! If you don't know who Taz is, or never saw the video, here it goes: