In Search of Sully.

Man.

I hate that my mind is still stuck on this. It is so overdue, and I am past the little empty emotions that this situation brought. I hold on to some things, though. I have every reason to let go - move on - learn from this... and to an extent, I have. But why can't I have the same power switch embedded in my brain to turn off my feelings, emotions, thoughts, memories, blahh, blahh, etc.
Why must I be so... human? If I were just another, superficial guy... I wouldn't have these issues. I think that without this, though, I'd be a douche. I'm not a DOUCHE - nor will I ever be one. I want my stomach and my face to stop getting all hot when I read/hear that you're actually moving on... unlike me. I try! Honestly, I am always looking forward to never looking back, but everything is harder for me. My brain, especially. It doesn't know how to function properly, I'm convinced.

I am psycho jawn #12526. I say this because I KNOW I am not the only person in the world with these feelings. I have a lot of bad habits, and boys can become them, too. Therefore, overcoming them isn't always easy, and I am experiencing that. I just want it to all go away, just to know how it feels to have a heart free of regret, disdain, rejection, misunderstandings, and hopeless romanticism. Gosh, I hate my guts.

So tonight, I'll make it without you. Of course... but I want to be able to say that without lying to myself, or forcing the words out of me. I want that shit to pass, because evidently, this feeling is far from mutual, and that's the worst part. I do know how detrimental this "dwelling" shit is, but I only dwell when I'm alone. If I'm occupied, it won't cross my mind. But when it does, it's rough. Crash landing type thing- and I just want a Sully Sullivan to save me, even when it seems improbable. That's all I need.

In fact, screw the douche who ruined my flight. I just need the person to make it better. That'll do it. Now, I'm gonna sleep this off. I love blogging.

Btw, Sully is Liz's best friend on my faaaaaavorite MTV reality series: My Life as Liz. He was the dorky best friend who had a major crush on her, but didn't find the courage to tell her. Despite this, he was an awesome friend and always looked out for her. He was the shit for that, and so this almost has a double meaning. Not almost. It does.

Did I mention she took him to prom? ^_^

-IJ

Late Night.

Funny, because I just finished catching up with my bestfriend Elena over the phone. Whenever we talk, we "give & take," and always end our conversations with a better understanding of whatever the topic is. I love her! She will always be there for me, and I know it. That makes me really happy.

Okay, she told me about a bad situation that happened to her tonight. Neither of us have ever been in a situation like it. It involved boys fighting, crying, and drama out the assss. Bestfriends have to support each other, and that's what I did. Over the phone, of course. lol. She's fine, thank God. The situation is over, for the moment. After she explained everything, we talked everything through, and she's all right. Thennnn, it was my turn. lol.

So what's been going on with me? Just a lot of poor decisions on my behalf. I made a mistake by not letting go of the past, and it caught up with me. Now, I'm dealing with the reality of the present. Things will never quite be the same as before. Devestating at first, but it's real life. Nothing stays the same, and that's the beauty of it. I can't insist on wishing for something that will not happen. I cannot remain consumed in a false reality that will never come true. I have to realize the truth of the matter.

I am waiting for something incredible to happen, lol. Like a miracle! For the one person to suddenly feel how I feel. For the mutuality to suddenly reappear. Wait, I should correct that. I was waiting. I can't anymore. No one understands how I felt. Nothing could ever compare to what I felt. After all of the rejection, alienatation, desperation - yes, I said it - I REFUSE. I am worth so much more. I have every reason in the world to be happy without this person. Sure, I was happy with him, but so what? It sucks that I could never feel that EXACT feeling again, but so what? I have the power to be happy alone, or with someone else. Call it you want, but these are my feelings, and they are justified by all means. I will always frown upon my moments of stupidity, because I know myself. At the same time, however, I know people are somewhat fed up with my decisions, indeciveness, and obscurity. Whatev. I did what i did, and I'm still here. I get so caught up in the moment. Lol, I spaz out, and then think about it a week later like - what the hell? Why was I so angry? - lmao. Pretty funny, because everyone does. If not a week later, then a month or so.

It truly is a learning experience, these years in high school. My experiences may not seems as "juicy" as others, but I've had my share of drama. Not fun. I am SO emotional. It is somehow in my nature to be emotional, because I have this 'passion' thing. Lol, sounds retarded. Whenever I'm involved or dedicated or committed to something, this passion just comes out of no where, and I am IN it. If I actually get to the point where I fall in love, which takes a lot, I am there. There's no question about it, and I will never try to hide that from the person I'm in love with or those around me. If it's there, it's there. That's where I make my mistakes. I get caught up with the idea of loveeee, and unconditional loveeeee - where, no matter what, I am here. It takes a lot to "fall out of love", and I still haven't quite figured that out yet. I am afraid of this passion, at times. It can completely take over, and I become like... someone else. It is intense! I sound weird, but it is completely true, and idk. This same passion to love someone can be easily redirected into anger & utter disdain for someone who does not appreciate me, respect me, or whatever else. Not everyone, just the person who I completely open up to.

Love is funny. I can only characterize it subjectively, so I won't. lol, But I will give my opinions and thoughts on love. I have yet found love that I can depend on. Many may argue that if it isn't 'dependable,' it isn't love. Well, whatever. I don't agree. Love is so tricky, and it changes. I hate that it changes. That's probably what I fear the most. When things start to change... when love changes. When you look at things differently, question things you would never question, say things you would never have the nerve or courage to say. When love changes, one has absolutely no control. I hate it! Not having control of something that is, in essence, yours, and no one elses. I had everything right in front of me, and suddenly, things are hidden. Tricky business..

One day, I'll learn more. I'll understand my own passion & nature. I'll understand my tendencies, and learn how this love thing really works. At this age, it eventually become somewhat of a game. If you aren't playing the game, chances are he or she is. I could explain, in depth, my experiences, and how love has been soooo tainted for me. Unfortunately, I won't. I am, once again, afraid of true love. I don't even know what it is, or if it can ever exist. Everything seems real for the moment. Being hurt by the person you "love the most," has happened twice. It's good, though. I just have to reevaluate what it means to love.

Still waiting for the one person to prove everything wrong. And to the person who let me down this time - you probably won't realize what this all means anytime soon. You've become everything that I never wanted you to become. Not sure how it happened. You were truly the realest thing I knew for the longest time, and I loved you for that. Maybe I held on because I didn't want you to become that guy - typical. It's hard to understand anything when it comes to you now. You're so far gone with what's around you... and because you're so selfish and oblivious, you won't ever see what was in front of you - what you had all along. In the end, it was my fault. I was foolish. Being unconditional doesn't work when love doesn't exist... and you can't look for something that doesn't exist, right? Therefore, you win.



I love this song.

-IJ

Where Love Is Like Breathing.

(watch in HQ, so much better.)

This song means waaay too much to me. I have no clue where the significance comes in.

Naw, I'm lying, I do. I feel like this SO often — wanting to get away... somewhere with the one person who could make me feel beyond overjoyed. Nothing sexual, if that's what you're thinking (you're pretty lame if you were...)

Just being with the person who I couldn't possibly get tired of. Someone to prove everything wrong—all of the stupidity that I grew accustomed to. Not bubbly or fairytale-like, just slightly surreal. Where everything feels somewhat perfect, realistically. (if that makes sense?)

Love should be like breathing. It should be evident, involuntary, and one should be able to embrace every part of it at any & every moment. Well, reality comes in — i guessssss we can't always exert love and accept it at every single moment; but feeling the effortless, magnetic love where everything just falls into place? We all should be able to experience that in our lives, sooner or later. I know I have to. I'd LOVE to be in love that way, and frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

SIDEBAR: This does NOT mean I'm not willing to 'fight for love', or whatever that means. Love should always endure through adversity, and if it doesn't... uh, it ain't love, right? I'm done, lmao. What do I know about love, you say? You're right. Absolutely nothing, but I definitely think love is subjective. So call it what you want.

I should be taking a shower/HW. Thanks blogger, you always do find a way to throw me off, lol. This picture looks awesome on my blog, too.. the one underneath this post.

-IJ