sky high—the decline.

And just like that. Every ounce of self-respect is gone. I bottle up these insecurities. Hoping, praying, wishing, that I wouldn't regret it all in less than two days. "I give you my all and the next morning you forget who... or why".

So now I'm wishing that you didn't know my number, name, or anything. Wishing that you didn't exist. Only because it hurts more than I expected it to. It hits me... like, you really don't care, do you? I could have left this behind, moved on, and pretended that you didn't mean anything. I would have been sort of happy. Now what? I'm stuck. You have every reason to love me, but you won't. Yet, you only need one reason to not love me. At this thought, I honestly become irrate - you don't love me because I called you an ass? Literally, it's that simple.

I lay in my bed... practically lifeless. My energy is sucked out of me. My self-esteem, my pride, my happiness, my joy, my confidence. It's like everything lies within that thought of love - True Love, which does not exist in my life. Only this excuse for being on the phone with you every night. Thinking of you when I go to sleep, only because I feel like I need to in order to stay content. This cycle has been conditioned into my way of thinking. Psychologically, I'm a mess. I break away from it, and I become so self-satisfied. Then I come back, and I secretly hate myself for being so weak, vulnerable, and brainless. You kill every thought of hope that I have for myself. I love you? Why? Because you used to love me, too. The way love was supposed to feel.

I tremble. I am so fearful of this. Rejection. Complete killjoy... this feeling can't be appropriately transcribed into words. Just imagine feeling better than ever, and suddenly, intuition tells you that you won't have this feeling for long. Sure enough, you're ignored. Completely shut out of someone's life. The person who tells you that they love you and miss you every night. That person has no idea what he/she is doing to you, just by saying 'I love you'.

I have no love for myself. I thrive off of the love of someone else. Always have, I guess. I am incredibly weak. I have no pride in myself after being rejected. Just utter disdain. I hate myself for doing whatever to that person. It's always my fault. I'm to blame. Shifting back and forth from happiness to depression. I imagine, dream about being happy. Once I get a few days of this happiness, I live for it. I love myself, but more importantly, I love you. Self-love doesn't matter anymore... I got you for that, right? Until I don't have you... and you leave me in this pain. Tears pouring out of my EARS, because my tears from my eyes couldn't possibly suffice. Where's this all coming from? Why can't I just be stronger than this? Suffocated with this dejection and worthlessness. I feel like absolutely nothing.

I'll never be enough. My love won't be enough, my care, affection, concern. Nothing. In the end, I'm just trying to regain your love, when I know that won't happen. You won't ever love me the way that I love you. I strive to occupy myself with you, and you push me away. I won't give up on you, and for that, you give up on me. Your selfishness is the reason why I can't be happy on my own. Love me or leave me alone, right? Why can't I believe in that? Why won't I ever appreciate another guy? When will you understand that no one else could love you the way that I do?

And just like that. I find myself in this never ending cycle of thoughts. Negative, self-depricating thoughts. In a depressed rut. "Until you find yourself, it's impossible to lose you... because I never had you. Although, I would be glad to. I'd probably go and tattoo your name on my heart.. I swear, I start to think that I'm going crazy".