In Search of Sully.

Man.

I hate that my mind is still stuck on this. It is so overdue, and I am past the little empty emotions that this situation brought. I hold on to some things, though. I have every reason to let go - move on - learn from this... and to an extent, I have. But why can't I have the same power switch embedded in my brain to turn off my feelings, emotions, thoughts, memories, blahh, blahh, etc.
Why must I be so... human? If I were just another, superficial guy... I wouldn't have these issues. I think that without this, though, I'd be a douche. I'm not a DOUCHE - nor will I ever be one. I want my stomach and my face to stop getting all hot when I read/hear that you're actually moving on... unlike me. I try! Honestly, I am always looking forward to never looking back, but everything is harder for me. My brain, especially. It doesn't know how to function properly, I'm convinced.

I am psycho jawn #12526. I say this because I KNOW I am not the only person in the world with these feelings. I have a lot of bad habits, and boys can become them, too. Therefore, overcoming them isn't always easy, and I am experiencing that. I just want it to all go away, just to know how it feels to have a heart free of regret, disdain, rejection, misunderstandings, and hopeless romanticism. Gosh, I hate my guts.

So tonight, I'll make it without you. Of course... but I want to be able to say that without lying to myself, or forcing the words out of me. I want that shit to pass, because evidently, this feeling is far from mutual, and that's the worst part. I do know how detrimental this "dwelling" shit is, but I only dwell when I'm alone. If I'm occupied, it won't cross my mind. But when it does, it's rough. Crash landing type thing- and I just want a Sully Sullivan to save me, even when it seems improbable. That's all I need.

In fact, screw the douche who ruined my flight. I just need the person to make it better. That'll do it. Now, I'm gonna sleep this off. I love blogging.

Btw, Sully is Liz's best friend on my faaaaaavorite MTV reality series: My Life as Liz. He was the dorky best friend who had a major crush on her, but didn't find the courage to tell her. Despite this, he was an awesome friend and always looked out for her. He was the shit for that, and so this almost has a double meaning. Not almost. It does.

Did I mention she took him to prom? ^_^

-IJ

Lou-will-ville.

Man, I wish things were slightly skewed in my favor when it comes to you. I sort of hate your guts. Hm.

This week is finally over. It was nice, don't get me wrong... I ABSOLUTELY LOVED coming in 3 hours late. I just want some time to rest & see my Mom. She started work this week, and the hours make it impossible for me to see her at nights. I kinda miss her, a lot. We txt like allll the time, now. Cool, right?

So I had a great night last night! I finally made it to a Sixers Game, and it was completely freeeeeeee. Yes, it was like a late birthday gift. So, I enjoyed it, and I should be getting to a few more games before the season's over. I must. Plus, Lou Williams is my favorite, and seeing him made my whole month. :D

I'm getting back to the routine, though. Not so much lazy, and still working things out when needed. So, yea, this year should be a great one. Spring is coming, and I've been waiting for it to come alllll winter.

Lastly, I am in a bit of a prom date crisis. I have no clue who I could possibly take to my prom, and the situation looks bleak. I already went dolo last year, which was mediocre. Icantnothaveadateformyseniorprom. It would suck major d. Sooo, yes. I neeed helpppp.

I love this, though. Life is better now that I've found you! (:
It's a Nora Jones & Q-tip song. Lol.


-IJ


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Never Ending Times

You would think that I would be a little more motivated during HSPA week, right? Well, I am far from that. I am the laziest human being in the world. I am slightly repulsed by my own lethargy. I am sick with the -itis. Senioritis, that is.

My thoughts are scattered. My bad habits are intensified. My time management skills have exponentially decreased. Basically, I am a 17 year old toddler. Minus the diaper changes. -___-

It's gay. I hate it. I feel unproductive each and everyday of the week. The basketball season has just been extended, so I'm living day-to-day as far as scheduling goes. It's ALWAYS suttin' else. I can't ever just clear my thoughts and chill with some quality me time afterschool. Just another school day +3 to 6 additional hours. It is eating away at my BRAIN. November 26ish to Forever. Basketball never dies, apparently. So I'm like, somewhat sick with the 24hr/7days a week basketball flu. I am so sick of it.

But, you know what? I will miss that freaking sport, more than anything else. It has brought me through a lot of personal realizations. I've become tight as hell with 15 or so girls who allllll do it for the love of the game. And I guess that's the reason why I've stuck around, even while superglued to the bench.

My desire and passion to master everything has put me in the weirdest positions. I just want things to work out without driving myself insane in the meantime. I hate spazzing. I hate stressing. I wanna relax more than anything else in this world. So I've just kinda talked myself into becoming less of a lazy ass and doing some of this work now. Good Nighty.

sidebar: I'd like to lose 10lbs. I will by May.

-IJ



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Night Cap & Gown.

I'm in bed.

I'm so ready to leave all of the madness behind. College will bring a new chapter in which I will- wholeheartedly embark. I can't wait.

So, earlier this week, my little broski told me that my Dad would be buying me a MacBook. I WAS STOKED. But then he told me that it was a surprise, and that I wouldn't see it 'tillll gradution. Yea... lame. But fear not, y'all. He [my Dad] called me while aimlessly facebooking to confirm which one I wanted, :DDDD so, it's official! MacBook Pro 15'', I can't wait.

And it seems like life is moving faster than expected. A year has came and gone, my issues have appeared and disappeared, and my lethargy has grown exponentially. Senioritis has the best of me, and I am currently avoiding the following assignments:
AP English Awakening assignment jawn
AP Physics WebAssign & Solutions Ntbk
AP History notecards, discussion questions
AP Calculus quiz... or studying for it
Senior Mentor grade sheets. Tomorrow morning, of course.
And a shit load of scholarship essays and applications. DAMN, I'm lazy! Ugh, I wanna overcomeeee. Kinda. /:

I hope college doesn't chew me up & kick me out. 'till then, I'm gonna sleep... my alarm is set for 4:42AM. I gots shit to do. 'Up out my face, bwoy. ^__^

-IJ
(ps. What Goes Around Comes Around)
you must be a little sawty. (;

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Vampire Weekend: 2/14

PRELUDE: I've just downloaded a shizzzz load of new music. Including Vampire Weekend, which is some really good music. Oh, and since we've had this extremely long weekend, I thought this was a clever & appropriate blog title. I'm cool like 'dat.

So, today's Valentine's Day, or what I like to call it, February 14th. More importantly, today is a sorry excuse for overspending, materialism, and superficial feelings. I feel sorry for all of those who wholeheartedly partake in this madness, because it is pure crap. I am very vehement about this, so peep my rant. -___- lmao.

Now, what the hell is wrong wit 'chall? (I am known to be a killjoy when it comes to "national holidays," but I just simply cannot understand how people can succumb to this apparent state of oblivion. Like, dude, wake up!)

This day means absolutely nothing. It means NOTHING more than another day that God has blessed us with. It's another day on the calendar when people make excuses for being selfish. "Oh, but it's Valentine's Day." Really? And what does that mean to you? Is that when Jesus was born? Or was that when he died? (no, and no). Great. At least we're HALFway there.
I'm just annoyed with the idea of buying shit for the person you care about on ONE day, in order to fufill your duty as a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, mother, father, etc. That's bullshit. I care about plenty of people, and I am certain that they care about me, too. They do a lot for me every single day, and I appreciate them for the amazing people that they are. I refuse, however, to "show that I love" someone on this ONE day by purchasing some singing card or a stuffed animal. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. People PRIDE themselves on what they bought/received on Valentine's Day - but why? Is it that serious? No, it isn't. It is insane that one would even be happy that their loved one bought them a gift/took them to dinner/splurged for the"holiday's" sake, rather than showing genuine appreciation every other day of the year.
So, yes. I have a problem with February 14th, because I don't think that anyone should partake in it. Granted, one would assume that this is all because I'm involved anyone, but that person would be wrong. Even while in a relationship, I expressed my bitter disdain for 2/14. Ironically, the person who I was involved with at the time didn't quite understand this concept, so... we broke up. lmao.
Moral of the blog: Fellas, don't go out buying coach wristlets for your girlfriend if she has sense enough to say "No, sweetie. Don't buy me anything, I'd rather you save your money." In fact, if she says this, you hold on to her. She's a keeper. Romance should not be defined by the money in yo' wallet. It's more than chocolate and roses (also known as bullshit). Don't get me wrong, chocolates are yummy, and roses are pretty, just not on 2/14. Don't use 2/14 as an excuse to be selfish. Don't use 2/14 as a means of redemption. It's just another day of year; appreciate who you have DAILY. Don't settle for the national standard of being cheesy and superficial in the name of Sir Valentine. lmaooo. Idek if that's who the holiday's named after, I'm just talking shit.

I'm done, though. Wrap it up, couples. Conceiving on 2/14 is such a faux pas, ^__^

Btw, Mraz is the miz-an. This song is fo' tha' lovas. Not really, but it's good stuff.

-IJ

Photographs.

Various pictures from the past. :D

hm.

-IJ

BackatBlogger.

"I am one lazy b-word."

-IJ

What's been going on? I mean, it's a whole-nother year. I'll be graduating in a couple months, off to college in a couple more. I've been through a lot more craziness. Perhaps TOO much to explain. I don't think that I could justly summarize all that has happened in one post, so I won't.

I will say, however, that I am happy with where I am today. I wanna keep finding myself, though, because I'm still unsure as to where I "should" be.

Right now, my life consists of school, school, school, collegestuff, and a thin slice of "other". I spend so much time in school... it's almost scary. It is pretty gay, I will admit. I love what I do, most of the time. Other times, I wish I had the audacity to take the easy route, like most seniors. Yea, I'm trying to balance 4 AP courses, Senior Mentoring, Student Body President, Yearbook editing, Varsity Basketball, Board of Education, and the 23452 other extra-curricular activities. I always feel like I sound like the most ANNOYING b-word in the world when I type/say all that. Most people with my type of schedule would try to "brag" about it, like it matters. That's lame to me, and I wouldn't even do that... ever. I just do what everyone else won't, and that's accept responsibilty and take student leadership.

Okay, so taking the easy route was never an option for me. I know that God put me here to do exactly what I'm doing now, if not more. So let's just make that clear...

I should be doing a lot of things right now. For instance, 3 days worth of homework. It snowed like crazy alllllllllll week. Most snow ever in the Philly metro, I think? So, thankfully, we're in the middle of "the SIX DAY WEEKEND 2010". Crazy, huh? Well, yea. I didn't even touch my homework... like every few hours, I'll stop facebooking (aka bullshitting), stare at my bookbag like o.o ... and I turn my head. ^_^

College applications are essentially finished, lol. I'll run down 'da list:

• Rutgers Univerity in New Brunswick:
• Admitted to Arts&Sciences, Engineering. NOT Admitted to Pharmacy.
• - This was my number one choice. Pharmacy is my major, in case you ain't know. And so getting this news sucked booty, but I got over it. There's more, you know?
  
• Temple University in Philadelphia:
  Admitted. Pre-Pharmacy,
• - Temple is kind of a backup for me. I've never really considered, only because it's too close, for me. I wouldn't know whether to stay at home and commute (which is NOT an option for me), or pay thousands to stay on campus... which is about 20 minutes away from home. You do the math.
  
• Duquesne University in Pittsburgh:
• Admitted. 2+4 Pharm.D program!
• - So Duquesne was definitely up there on my list, but it has slowly became my number one choice. It's far, but not too far. It's a nice school. It has my program, and I've been accepted. Oh, and they're offering a decent amount of scholarship $$$! So right now, I'm leaning toward Duquesne! I'm excited, too. I am supposed to be visiting Feb. 21st. Oh, and I hear Pittsburgh is nice, and we shall see.
  
• St. John's University in Queens, NY:
  Admitted. NOT Admitted to Pharmacy Program.
• - So STJ did me dirty, lol. They offered me this Priority Application, and I did it! It said all this crap about "decision in 2 weeks" and 2 weeks in NY probably means 4 months... because that's how long it took them... lol. Anyway, I didn't submit an essay or anything because this priority app... I probably should have, though. Whatever, anyway I got in, just not for my program. Scratched off the list.
  
• Stockton College in Pomona, NJ:
• Admitted, Not for 3+4 Pharmacy Program.
• - Whatevs, never wanted to go to Stockton. Just applied. Scratched off.
  
• Northeastern University in Boston:
• Waiting to hear back!
  - I'd love to go hereeee, ughhh. Cross your fingers!
  
• Hampton University in Virginia:
• Waiting to hear back!
  - Another back up, HBCU. Depends on how much they're offering. They have a Pharm program, so we shall see.
  
• Florida A&M University in Tallahassee, FL:
  Waiting to hear back!
• - I already know that I qualify for a nice little scholarship jawn, soo I'm just waiting.
  
• University of the Sciences in Philadelphia:
• Waiting to hear back!
• - I'm starting to get nervous. They're taking 123421 years... but they have a nice 6-year Pharmacy program. I've visited over the summer. It's small & close. Maybe a little too small & close for me, but idk.
  
• Montclair State University in NJ:
• Waiting to hear back!
• - I'm supposed to be doing EOF for them, butttt I think I'll switch to normal student status. I don't wanna do a summer program thing, to be honest. But, hey. The money be there, sooo.. lol.

This college crap is exhausting as you can tell. I'm just ready to be there already. Sucks that I couldn't apply to anything in DC. I loved it there. Howard has an 8-year Pharmacy program, though. and I'm tryna be in and OUT of college. okay?! Anyway, I'm done with this post. I'm annoyed. lmaoo.. this college shit gets on my nervessssssssss.

Ilovethissong;

"♥" note to self.

I've decided to omit the word 'love' from this post. Too early to tell what I'm feeling now, so it can be a variable.

He effortlessly completes who I find myself as – who I am. I am learning how to become at peace with myself, and yet I joyously fail. I find myself in you. Where I want to be and where I’d like to be… where I’d ♥ to be. Simply, you answer each inquiry. In the end – you’re magnetic, and I’m not fighting it. Although, I should be. You always say you’re no good for me…

So when ♥ feels like this, is it really how it should be? You comfort me; I’m at ease around you. Sweet and hopeful, and I think of this every time. How can you keep me here? I know that I ♥ you, but are you sure that this is what you call ♥? Stumbling over my own thoughts; I breathe, because if I panic, you’ll run off, heart in hand. Yearning for a mutual compassion and understanding, and someday soon. You remember how it was, right? You know, when I looked into your eyes and blinked at the sight of your soul… or when we held each other, cried, wondered, wished, imagined, dreamt of everything in silence, only broken by the whispers of sweet, meaningful discourse, and my lips as they fell on your skin. Unlike anything else, it was. You hold onto that key, with which you can liberate these perfect memories –revert them into our present day, and aimlessly fall back into the ♥ we once knew. Dive in headfirst. Or reconsider ♥. Redirect ♥. Revise, edit, and re-submit ♥… because sometimes ♥ requires a little proofreading.

So think back, but not too far back. Those days are not destined to return – bittersweet. Hold on, though, ♥. Don’t let the magnet slip away from you. You train yourself to be lost, but we both know where you belong. Haplessly, we couldn’t protect it, but ♥ can be renewed. The only ♥ that I find is worth holding onto is this. Just don’t disappoint it this time around. All the bullshit can never aptly disguise how we feel about this, because at the end of the day the only thing that ever mattered to us was… love.

sky high—doped up.

So, this post is for people, clothing, objects, or whatever that is dope, in my perspective. I think I'll start with my homegirl - Fefe Dobson!
I always thought she was lame. Now, I am completely convinced that she is awesome. Her songs are good, she's a lot different from the typical artists in her class/genre. She has her own little edginess about her, and THAT to me is dope - being confortable with one's style & making that particular style seem like hot shit! no matter what it is! I just read on wikipedia that she was considered 'R&B' rather than Rock because of her race; she's white & Jamaican. I can imagine how sucky that miscategorization would be. Not being able to follow her passion - which is CLEARLY Rock. I mean, she's Canadian. lol, black girls in Canada get down like that! haha, joke. Her buzz died after she started becoming more edgy, but she's back! Her new song is decent, and I love it. So yea, Fefe - YOU ARE DOPE!


Next is The Kite Runner. Amazing novel that I had to read for my AP English class. I absolutely love this book. My favorite book by far, and reading it has took my mind off of a lot of things going on in my life. I enjoyed it a lot, and Khaled Hosseini is an AMAZING author. I'm so reading A Thousand Splendid Suns. Hands down, The Kite Runner was the dopest book I've ever read.

DOPE ITEMS: Chex Mix, Cranberry Juice - Nantucket Nectars Big Cranberry Juice, oatmeal rasin cookies, turkey bacon & hot dogs, frozen yogurt from YogiBerry! OMG, I might even dedicate an entire post on my love for fro-yo! I must find an equivalent in NJ or the Philly metro area. Apparently, YogiBerry is a DC Metro thang. Yum yum, nigga!

SIDEBAR: Omgosh, I had a dream last night that I tried on a pair of COMFY stilettos that were SO dope. Seriously! They were cute as hell. lol, and in my dream I was like OMG! I love these! They felt like running sneakers on the inside, but they were pumps! How awesome is that? lmao, I'm honestly considering the whole 'girly' thing. I think it's cute if you do it well, and I WANNA love heels. So, we'll see how this works out, if it works out. lol.


Music Videos - Video Playlists - New Music

Fefe's new jawn!

-IJ

sky high—the decline.

And just like that. Every ounce of self-respect is gone. I bottle up these insecurities. Hoping, praying, wishing, that I wouldn't regret it all in less than two days. "I give you my all and the next morning you forget who... or why".

So now I'm wishing that you didn't know my number, name, or anything. Wishing that you didn't exist. Only because it hurts more than I expected it to. It hits me... like, you really don't care, do you? I could have left this behind, moved on, and pretended that you didn't mean anything. I would have been sort of happy. Now what? I'm stuck. You have every reason to love me, but you won't. Yet, you only need one reason to not love me. At this thought, I honestly become irrate - you don't love me because I called you an ass? Literally, it's that simple.

I lay in my bed... practically lifeless. My energy is sucked out of me. My self-esteem, my pride, my happiness, my joy, my confidence. It's like everything lies within that thought of love - True Love, which does not exist in my life. Only this excuse for being on the phone with you every night. Thinking of you when I go to sleep, only because I feel like I need to in order to stay content. This cycle has been conditioned into my way of thinking. Psychologically, I'm a mess. I break away from it, and I become so self-satisfied. Then I come back, and I secretly hate myself for being so weak, vulnerable, and brainless. You kill every thought of hope that I have for myself. I love you? Why? Because you used to love me, too. The way love was supposed to feel.

I tremble. I am so fearful of this. Rejection. Complete killjoy... this feeling can't be appropriately transcribed into words. Just imagine feeling better than ever, and suddenly, intuition tells you that you won't have this feeling for long. Sure enough, you're ignored. Completely shut out of someone's life. The person who tells you that they love you and miss you every night. That person has no idea what he/she is doing to you, just by saying 'I love you'.

I have no love for myself. I thrive off of the love of someone else. Always have, I guess. I am incredibly weak. I have no pride in myself after being rejected. Just utter disdain. I hate myself for doing whatever to that person. It's always my fault. I'm to blame. Shifting back and forth from happiness to depression. I imagine, dream about being happy. Once I get a few days of this happiness, I live for it. I love myself, but more importantly, I love you. Self-love doesn't matter anymore... I got you for that, right? Until I don't have you... and you leave me in this pain. Tears pouring out of my EARS, because my tears from my eyes couldn't possibly suffice. Where's this all coming from? Why can't I just be stronger than this? Suffocated with this dejection and worthlessness. I feel like absolutely nothing.

I'll never be enough. My love won't be enough, my care, affection, concern. Nothing. In the end, I'm just trying to regain your love, when I know that won't happen. You won't ever love me the way that I love you. I strive to occupy myself with you, and you push me away. I won't give up on you, and for that, you give up on me. Your selfishness is the reason why I can't be happy on my own. Love me or leave me alone, right? Why can't I believe in that? Why won't I ever appreciate another guy? When will you understand that no one else could love you the way that I do?

And just like that. I find myself in this never ending cycle of thoughts. Negative, self-depricating thoughts. In a depressed rut. "Until you find yourself, it's impossible to lose you... because I never had you. Although, I would be glad to. I'd probably go and tattoo your name on my heart.. I swear, I start to think that I'm going crazy".

Late Night.

Funny, because I just finished catching up with my bestfriend Elena over the phone. Whenever we talk, we "give & take," and always end our conversations with a better understanding of whatever the topic is. I love her! She will always be there for me, and I know it. That makes me really happy.

Okay, she told me about a bad situation that happened to her tonight. Neither of us have ever been in a situation like it. It involved boys fighting, crying, and drama out the assss. Bestfriends have to support each other, and that's what I did. Over the phone, of course. lol. She's fine, thank God. The situation is over, for the moment. After she explained everything, we talked everything through, and she's all right. Thennnn, it was my turn. lol.

So what's been going on with me? Just a lot of poor decisions on my behalf. I made a mistake by not letting go of the past, and it caught up with me. Now, I'm dealing with the reality of the present. Things will never quite be the same as before. Devestating at first, but it's real life. Nothing stays the same, and that's the beauty of it. I can't insist on wishing for something that will not happen. I cannot remain consumed in a false reality that will never come true. I have to realize the truth of the matter.

I am waiting for something incredible to happen, lol. Like a miracle! For the one person to suddenly feel how I feel. For the mutuality to suddenly reappear. Wait, I should correct that. I was waiting. I can't anymore. No one understands how I felt. Nothing could ever compare to what I felt. After all of the rejection, alienatation, desperation - yes, I said it - I REFUSE. I am worth so much more. I have every reason in the world to be happy without this person. Sure, I was happy with him, but so what? It sucks that I could never feel that EXACT feeling again, but so what? I have the power to be happy alone, or with someone else. Call it you want, but these are my feelings, and they are justified by all means. I will always frown upon my moments of stupidity, because I know myself. At the same time, however, I know people are somewhat fed up with my decisions, indeciveness, and obscurity. Whatev. I did what i did, and I'm still here. I get so caught up in the moment. Lol, I spaz out, and then think about it a week later like - what the hell? Why was I so angry? - lmao. Pretty funny, because everyone does. If not a week later, then a month or so.

It truly is a learning experience, these years in high school. My experiences may not seems as "juicy" as others, but I've had my share of drama. Not fun. I am SO emotional. It is somehow in my nature to be emotional, because I have this 'passion' thing. Lol, sounds retarded. Whenever I'm involved or dedicated or committed to something, this passion just comes out of no where, and I am IN it. If I actually get to the point where I fall in love, which takes a lot, I am there. There's no question about it, and I will never try to hide that from the person I'm in love with or those around me. If it's there, it's there. That's where I make my mistakes. I get caught up with the idea of loveeee, and unconditional loveeeee - where, no matter what, I am here. It takes a lot to "fall out of love", and I still haven't quite figured that out yet. I am afraid of this passion, at times. It can completely take over, and I become like... someone else. It is intense! I sound weird, but it is completely true, and idk. This same passion to love someone can be easily redirected into anger & utter disdain for someone who does not appreciate me, respect me, or whatever else. Not everyone, just the person who I completely open up to.

Love is funny. I can only characterize it subjectively, so I won't. lol, But I will give my opinions and thoughts on love. I have yet found love that I can depend on. Many may argue that if it isn't 'dependable,' it isn't love. Well, whatever. I don't agree. Love is so tricky, and it changes. I hate that it changes. That's probably what I fear the most. When things start to change... when love changes. When you look at things differently, question things you would never question, say things you would never have the nerve or courage to say. When love changes, one has absolutely no control. I hate it! Not having control of something that is, in essence, yours, and no one elses. I had everything right in front of me, and suddenly, things are hidden. Tricky business..

One day, I'll learn more. I'll understand my own passion & nature. I'll understand my tendencies, and learn how this love thing really works. At this age, it eventually become somewhat of a game. If you aren't playing the game, chances are he or she is. I could explain, in depth, my experiences, and how love has been soooo tainted for me. Unfortunately, I won't. I am, once again, afraid of true love. I don't even know what it is, or if it can ever exist. Everything seems real for the moment. Being hurt by the person you "love the most," has happened twice. It's good, though. I just have to reevaluate what it means to love.

Still waiting for the one person to prove everything wrong. And to the person who let me down this time - you probably won't realize what this all means anytime soon. You've become everything that I never wanted you to become. Not sure how it happened. You were truly the realest thing I knew for the longest time, and I loved you for that. Maybe I held on because I didn't want you to become that guy - typical. It's hard to understand anything when it comes to you now. You're so far gone with what's around you... and because you're so selfish and oblivious, you won't ever see what was in front of you - what you had all along. In the end, it was my fault. I was foolish. Being unconditional doesn't work when love doesn't exist... and you can't look for something that doesn't exist, right? Therefore, you win.



I love this song.

-IJ

Homecoming.

I haven't blogged in years! Sike. more like a month. I AM HOME FROM DC.

FAQs

Sooo, how was it?!
Amazing. I loved St. Albans, the School of Public Service, and DC. I've met soo many people who are INCREDIBLY intelligent. Being around so many driven, bright, and motivated high school students, all with similar goals and aspirations, is sooo enlightening. It was almost intimidating at first. lol, Seriously. However, as the weeks passed, it was fine. It's like, now I have this family from Boston, and a whole bunch of cool people in Tennessee that will always be there for me. Of course, there are like 40 new facebook friends, LMAO, and people who will now be apart of my 'network'! DC is an amazing city, and I'd sooo live there. So now, I gotta get into some research, as far as colleges. I would love to go to American, GW, or Georgetown. I am looking forward to being in DC again, and of course, Howard is still an option. Ultimately, I had the best time. Spending four weeks of my summer before senior year doing intense college-like studying on Policy & Government sounds sucky, but it was SO worth it. Trust me.

Soooo, now what?!
Time to focus on colleges, summer work & reading, and my senior year. There is SO much on my plate this year, and I'm looking forward to it. Sounds insane, lol. But I know I can handle all of this, and I can't wait to actually say that I have. So here it is:
AP Calculus, AP English, AP US History, Honors Physics, Senior Mentoring, Concert Band, Field Hockey, Basketball, Yearbook, Newspaper, the entire Student Government, the Board of Education, and I would love to add on to the list with Leo Club, and other service groups where I can give back to the community somehow. I'm sure that won't happen through the school, so I have to take the time to actually find out where they are.

" I just wanna be successful. "
- Trey Songz

Indeed. I wanna tackle everything and come up clean. Weird metaphor, lmao. But yea, that's how I feel. After being in DC, I've realized that I have these duties to uphold, and I want to be able to accomplish every goal I set for myself. So in order to prepare myself for everything that will happen in the near future, I have to be willing to accept responsibility. I can't shy away from anything at this point. I won't.

Well, this post may be really boring, but I wanted to save the 'feelings' for another post. I have a lot to say, but I don't think I'll ramble on about it for too long. I'd like to get my thought out, but I'd also like to stay somewhat private. So yea. All in all, it feels good to be home!



But I still miss it a lot, lmao. DC was awesomeeeeee.

Picture This.

PROM 2009

Lol, nutty.

Just a few.
-IJ

Wait...

warning: this will make no sense if you aren't the person I'm adressing. you can scroll down.

Time out:
what is your problem, homeboy? you've been doing you, so why give me a hard time?
i'm over it. yes, you win. i can't argue with you about something that YOU had total control over. you control your actions, not me. WHY/HOW can you possibly be mad at me for that? You're funny money. SERIOUSLY.

IDC:
you can do whatever you like. but don't get mad at me because I'M NOT MAD AT YOU. you want me to be angry, and i'm like.. uh. why? the situation is completely over, and you did what you wanted to. don't even worry about what happened with me, and why i'm not mad. that's not even important. i'm glad that you & homegirl aren't arguing for once, and that you're actually happy & not stressing. (on Friday, at least) duh? is that not something to be happy about? i'm honestly convinced that you would rather me be jealous than to be happy for you, which is sad. you're so used to drama & insecure/clingy girls that you think normality & maturity is abnormal. if you haven't noticed, i'm not like any of the girls you've been around. not trying to brag... just letting you know.

YOU:
HATE the fact that i want you to be happy... with or without me. i wish you weren't like that. that's just me being selfless & considerate. i care about you, but that doesn't mean i have to be selfish. i think you feel obligated to making certain people happy or something, and i'm like... why? you should be able to do what you want, say what you wanna say, and be real about it. as close as we were, i'm not sure why you would treat me like that. you 'missing me' & all that is cool, but this drama shit was never for me.. and i've said that a million times. i really don't know what you want from me at this point, and i'm not asking you for anything... you told me to leave you alone, and I promise I will. pleeeease don't expect me to be in your face, or anything. you asked for it, not me. you HAVE my number, so don't post shit about me on MySpace indirectly. wish you weren't being SO hypocritcal about all of this. you cursed me out? fine. but don't expect anything from me without an apology and an explaination first. i have no clue why any of this happened, and why you are so angry with ME. until you come to me with some kind of reasoning, don't expect much. -_-


fin.

Okay, in other news. lol... i'm enjoying myself lately. there's a picture or two from Prom under THE PHOTOS. i basically got a full scholarship to St. Albans School of Public Service, and I'm g-double-o-d, gooood. (in the words of KiD CuDi lol) Leaving really soon, so I'll be blogging more next week or so. Finals prep & school are my priorities for the time being. Took SATs - i feel really good about my Math, so hopefully my score that reflects that. I love my friends, they areee the best. Bon isn't an asshole anymore, which makes things a lot easier. My brother got a full scholie to GWU, yaaay. Family is proud of us, and I'm really happy with this year. Successful as heeelllllll. Time to go, here's a song. I based my entire blog on this song, lol.



-IJ

Where Love Is Like Breathing.

(watch in HQ, so much better.)

This song means waaay too much to me. I have no clue where the significance comes in.

Naw, I'm lying, I do. I feel like this SO often — wanting to get away... somewhere with the one person who could make me feel beyond overjoyed. Nothing sexual, if that's what you're thinking (you're pretty lame if you were...)

Just being with the person who I couldn't possibly get tired of. Someone to prove everything wrong—all of the stupidity that I grew accustomed to. Not bubbly or fairytale-like, just slightly surreal. Where everything feels somewhat perfect, realistically. (if that makes sense?)

Love should be like breathing. It should be evident, involuntary, and one should be able to embrace every part of it at any & every moment. Well, reality comes in — i guessssss we can't always exert love and accept it at every single moment; but feeling the effortless, magnetic love where everything just falls into place? We all should be able to experience that in our lives, sooner or later. I know I have to. I'd LOVE to be in love that way, and frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

SIDEBAR: This does NOT mean I'm not willing to 'fight for love', or whatever that means. Love should always endure through adversity, and if it doesn't... uh, it ain't love, right? I'm done, lmao. What do I know about love, you say? You're right. Absolutely nothing, but I definitely think love is subjective. So call it what you want.

I should be taking a shower/HW. Thanks blogger, you always do find a way to throw me off, lol. This picture looks awesome on my blog, too.. the one underneath this post.

-IJ

Present, Past, Future.

Memorial Day weekend came and went. It was indeed chill & much needed. I was sick yesterday, but miraculously, lmao, I am completely fine today. Yaaay. My weekend was funnnnn. Friday, I went to Sectionals for track. It was TOO funny. Me and Brittany are a mess together, and then with Sty & Micaela? Too much fun. The track boys are hilarious, and they made everything that much more fun. I heard it was hella fun on Saturday too, but I didn't feel like waking up at 7AM. Track season is over, pretty much. I enjoyed it, a lot.

Saturday was hella fun. First time out with Lane & Bee in a while and first time with Tiff & Mercedes. I wish Ishanna stayed! But, it was soo much craziness all in one car. Riding to the city was funny. Riding around the city was hella funny, and then going back to Jersey was freaking CRAZY. Stupid, yet sooo much fun in retrospect. I honestly miss just being out with all of my best friends. School has cut me off from everything & everyone this year. I MISS MY ITGIRLS the most, though. THEY are the best! Like, all of us together is SO MUCH fun. My best friends Missy & Naj - they work and juggle so much shit. I hardly ever get to just be with them, but last year we were ALWAYS with each other. I so miss it.

This time last year was the best. I had all of ITGIRL best friends, and then my other best friend, Bon. We were SO close. Thick as thieves! lol, So much has changed. I miss the way it was, but I can only embrace now for what it is. I'm grateful for my best friends, and I have Ishanna now, who wasn't there before. I still have Bon, we still have each other, and I'm glad. Yet, I can't help but to wonder, you know? We all do. I have a lot of stuff to focus on, and I'm not looking for a boyfriend. If I were, I don't think I'd settle for anyone other than him, as terrible as that sounds. Well, actually... I mean, if I met anyone who could be better for me than him, I would be willing to. But I'm not looking, and that person isn't around, so I'm good.

Sucks, because I actually wanted things to progress with the one person I was talking to. But, at this point, I'm almost certain that things won't. I'm not going to put effort out, and in return, get a pat on the back. I'm not going to show my ass to get attention, either. I hate when nothing is clear to me, and I have to constantly seek clarification. Like wth, that's retarded. I'm understanding, but I think people have to realize that some things just AREN'T okay. Maybe I was wrong for looking for something more, because based on everything, this person apparently was not interested in that. Shame on IJ? I suppose. Buttt, i'm just wayyyy too bossy. lmao. That's a joke.. but honestly, c'mon. Don't be ambiguous with me. Either it is or it ain't. There really shouldn't be anything in between - that's where I refuse to be.

Well, that covers pretty much everything. PROM IN FOUR DAYS. A little excited... lmao. Okay, I lied. I'm hella stoked & very anxious. Idk, why. Just two weeks ago, I hardly wanted to go... ahahaa. I had a reaally awkward dream about prom that I won't even elaborate on. Gave me the creeps, forreal. Summer is so close, and I love it. i hope this summer loves me back. For once, I may have a decent summer, where everything falls right in place. Going to DC, then when I get back (neverrrr! lol), I'll be working & doing whatever. Plus, California sounds like a go, too. I'm waaaay too stoked.

sidebar: If I pull off THREE more correct answers on SATs than I did last time, I have full-tuition & fees guaranteed at Howard. YAAY! Looks like I might not have to pay for college. I'm at 1140 with Critical Reading & Math combined, I need a 1170 for the scholarship, and I'm aiming for a 1300 for the next scholarship, which covers tuition, fees, & housing. Howard wasn't my first choice, intially, but the money is looking right. holla.

So high, and there is no looking down.

-IJ

LMAO.

Cop forgets national anthem


Straight butchered the National Anthem, though.
ahahahahaahaha.

I am far from poetic.

Why do we settle for sub par?

What is it that inclines us to stay, rather than find something greater? Is it fear that if we search for something greater, our desires may remain unfulfilled? Or are we reaching for something that is unattainable?

What is there to question? Nothing at all. I know what I want. I know what I am searching for, and I'm not in a rush to find it. I would much rather have no one than to have someone who is not right for me. This stupid chase that we all go through disgusts me. When it's right, everything comes together. When it isn't, there's a force between it that pushes you away. Fighting against it only further leads to the realization - THIS is not what I need.

I don't need anyone in my life to hold me back - hence the reason why I have a handful of friends. It is beyond troubling to be at constant unease. I genuinely want to have more friends, who will not hold me back, but advance me to the next stage of my life. At this point, I think it won't happen in high school, at all.

I keep all of this in mind every single day. I need nothing that this society has to offer - this bullshit that people deem normality. I went through more than anyone could imagine throughout my high school years. I became apart of every crowd there is. I won't say "don't judge me," because you will anyway. I am trying to exemplify the essence of real, whether or not anyone thinks I am successfully doing so. I find it hard to fake feelings. Call it what you want.

If I can't see the bigger picture, it means nothing. No one relates to my utmost thoughts. I have the strangest imagination, dreams, goals, and ideals. I have never met anyone who has truly embraced this about me. Yet, this is asking someone to understand things that are incomprehensible.

Inspire me for ONCE. Is there anyone who possibly could? Yes. There is. I met someone who almost completely understood me, which is extremely honorable. But, still in search of...

I climb for me. I reach for me. I do things for me and MY future. I stumble, of course. I slip up, and consider trivial things that surround me, but I always refocus.

I WILL NO LONGER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT I DESERVE.

-IJ

We Become Legendary — Everything We Dreamed Of...

I feel so relieved! I did well today during my speech, and although I am running unopposed, I felt that doing a great speech was absolutely necessary. I had an insane case of stage fright for the longest time. I am really a shy person, deep down inside. However, I felt amazing after my speech—I felt like I could do anything if I wanted to. My brother inspired me in SO many ways, and today was just another example of how much I admire him. He gave me ALL of these pointers, lol. And it worked! It helped me so much today.

So where do I go from here? I got a call today from a woman at St. Albans! They want to hear from me and confirm everything.
SUPER IRONIC, as I typed this first part ^, I decided to call her back. No answe so, I started to send her an e-mail, and then she called me back, and St. Albans JUST got my forms. NOTE, I sent them 4 weeks ago!! You can check the blog.. during Spring Break! -_- I really don't know what happened buttt, it sucks A LOT. I'd hate to not get enough money because of this. I want to go to this program SO badly.

Well, I am okay. Just a little concerned about my summer now. However, I have to remain focused. I have been getting a little distracted lately. Silly me, I know. But I feel good about a lot of things. Includinggggg.. yeah. Him, too. He's making my week a little bit better everyday now, AND I LOVE IT.

My future seems hella bright. Lol, I'm just hoping that it only gets brighter. Now that the majority of my issues are resolved, I have to just wait things out. Prom is soon. My application to the Yardley Commons place is in, and I'm just waiting on that. My finals are coming up, but that's IT. After that, this Junior year will be gone, and you don't even know how excited I am! YAAAAAAAY. It was successful, and Senior year will only get better. Gotta Thank God for everything.

Maybe no one will ever understand why I love this song so much. It puts me somewheree else — a place where this song could actually come true. Lol, I wish; story of my life. I want someone to prove everythingggg wrong. Before, everything that I imagined was him. Okay, well, I didn't dream of having the perfect-Filipino-boyfriend, lol, but that didn't make any difference to me. I just wanted someone to understand me, and accept me for me, no matter what.

But no one is perfect. Even if one tries to be. I know I'm imperfect. I admit to it everyday, and I own up to all of my shit. Yet, I get the SORRIEST explanations as to why I'm not good enough. AH, whatever. I'm like, you crazy. IalreadyknowI'mtoofllyyyyyy.
Quit fronting on me, people. lolllll.

Lol, So I'll post both songs. Prototype & Punch Drunk Love. They're only a song apart on my iPod. Coincidental, I guess.

OKAY! I'm gone. Sit tight, I might give a Prom sneak peak! Lol, not that serious, so I might as well, right?

-IJ

You Are the Prototype — still.

Well, I had to update. It has been over a week andddd, I AM SO HAPPY THAT AP CHEM IS OVER. My exam was today, and it was not fun, at all. However, it is ovahhh. Yeeeuhhhh. Time to focus on another phase. ie: Getting my job soon, getting my prom stuff, Student Government elections, and SUMMER IN D.C.!

Yippie, I'm running for President unopposed, lol. So, I will be President next year for sure. I am quite pleased. Running against someone isn't important to me. Doing what I need to do as President, however, is my goal amongst all other things. Um, I'll be hella busy with all of that. It is mandatory to become the student member on the Board of Education as President of Student Gov, and I already know who I'm choosing as for the second member - Seany G! Lol, or Sean. One of my better friends. Also helps that his Dad is on the BOE already, lmao. That's a pretty good look. The point is, I have to be at EVERY board meeting. Demanding? Quite. Impossible? Never. Worthwhile? Of course. I will be learning a lot from the whole experience. Going to St. Albans School of Public Service this summer is also a VERY good look for me. It will definitely put me where I need to be, and give me a lot of insight and knowledge in public policy. Bossy? I know. LOL.

In addition to this madness, I'm trying to fit in time for sports, and a steady j-0-b. I'm hunting now, so we'll see what happens. I get easily frustrated with job applications. I NEVER get called back! Of course, I follow up and all of that, but nothing ever goes through. Nonetheless, I'm determined to get shit done, no matter what. I will be getting a job, SOON. Bossy? I knowww, I knowww. lol!

Today was not the best day. I felt like 30 different ways ALL at once, lol. I was frustrated, upset, confuseddd, apathetic, nostalgic, and so many other mixed feelings that I just didn't feel like explaining to anyone. I would sound crazy...

The Chem test was very overwhelming. After that was over, I felt SO empty. Lol, mentally and emotionally. I wanted everything after that to just go smoothly. Basically, I wanted things to happen MY way. They didn't, as usual. Lmao, the WORST part about it is that I get upset as if someone let me down... but, I come up with these conclusions in my mind, and I get my OWN hopes up. In the fantasy world in my mind, lol, things happen so perfectly. My expectations are insane. When people don't live up to them, I look at them funny, as if they KNEW what I wanted them to do. Yet, I expect people to know what I want without telling them...

I miss how things were BEFORE the insignificance became the most important part of my relationship with him. He let me down, and I couldn't believe that it happened the way it did. I still wish that none of it ever happened... It changed me in SO many ways. Now, I look at life as if everyone has the same twisted image of equality. And then this question arises — AM I JUST NOT WORTH IT TO YOU?

I hate this whole story, and I hate how it affected me. I have never been so offended and unappreciated in my life. Thanks, a lot... but don't worry, I looooove being a black girl, lmao. I LOVE who I am. I hate that I am selfish, and I'll admit to that. That's a character flaw that I CAN change. But I could never change my identity, my race, my culture, my family, or my intrinsic ability to love unconditionally. So yea, if you can't be unconditional, you are a complete waste of time. 8 months to be exact..

Ah, so I just caught myself venting.. lol. But this is what it's for, pretty much. My life, and everything that I will never get a chance to say or explain to anyone. It alllll comes here, whenever I get the opportunity to post. Blogging is super cooool! Lol.

Sidebar, It's funny when people come back into your life just to remind you of how far off you were back then. This person will never read this, but nigga you are stoooopid. Like, what did you do? Bang your face against the keyboard when you sent that nutty ass message? Honestly, you won't ever get that far with me again in yo' life. So keep that shit movin'. I'll talk to you when I talk to you... lmao. Butttt, we can still have lunch, dinner, or see a movieeeeee — your treat. lmao! No, that tops it all. THAT was bossy. Lol, call it what you want. I'm actually feeling a lot better than I felt earlier. Lol, so yeaaaa this week should be interesting...

-IJeezy.