In Search of Sully.

Man.

I hate that my mind is still stuck on this. It is so overdue, and I am past the little empty emotions that this situation brought. I hold on to some things, though. I have every reason to let go - move on - learn from this... and to an extent, I have. But why can't I have the same power switch embedded in my brain to turn off my feelings, emotions, thoughts, memories, blahh, blahh, etc.
Why must I be so... human? If I were just another, superficial guy... I wouldn't have these issues. I think that without this, though, I'd be a douche. I'm not a DOUCHE - nor will I ever be one. I want my stomach and my face to stop getting all hot when I read/hear that you're actually moving on... unlike me. I try! Honestly, I am always looking forward to never looking back, but everything is harder for me. My brain, especially. It doesn't know how to function properly, I'm convinced.

I am psycho jawn #12526. I say this because I KNOW I am not the only person in the world with these feelings. I have a lot of bad habits, and boys can become them, too. Therefore, overcoming them isn't always easy, and I am experiencing that. I just want it to all go away, just to know how it feels to have a heart free of regret, disdain, rejection, misunderstandings, and hopeless romanticism. Gosh, I hate my guts.

So tonight, I'll make it without you. Of course... but I want to be able to say that without lying to myself, or forcing the words out of me. I want that shit to pass, because evidently, this feeling is far from mutual, and that's the worst part. I do know how detrimental this "dwelling" shit is, but I only dwell when I'm alone. If I'm occupied, it won't cross my mind. But when it does, it's rough. Crash landing type thing- and I just want a Sully Sullivan to save me, even when it seems improbable. That's all I need.

In fact, screw the douche who ruined my flight. I just need the person to make it better. That'll do it. Now, I'm gonna sleep this off. I love blogging.

Btw, Sully is Liz's best friend on my faaaaaavorite MTV reality series: My Life as Liz. He was the dorky best friend who had a major crush on her, but didn't find the courage to tell her. Despite this, he was an awesome friend and always looked out for her. He was the shit for that, and so this almost has a double meaning. Not almost. It does.

Did I mention she took him to prom? ^_^

-IJ