Where Love Is Like Breathing.

(watch in HQ, so much better.)

This song means waaay too much to me. I have no clue where the significance comes in.

Naw, I'm lying, I do. I feel like this SO often — wanting to get away... somewhere with the one person who could make me feel beyond overjoyed. Nothing sexual, if that's what you're thinking (you're pretty lame if you were...)

Just being with the person who I couldn't possibly get tired of. Someone to prove everything wrong—all of the stupidity that I grew accustomed to. Not bubbly or fairytale-like, just slightly surreal. Where everything feels somewhat perfect, realistically. (if that makes sense?)

Love should be like breathing. It should be evident, involuntary, and one should be able to embrace every part of it at any & every moment. Well, reality comes in — i guessssss we can't always exert love and accept it at every single moment; but feeling the effortless, magnetic love where everything just falls into place? We all should be able to experience that in our lives, sooner or later. I know I have to. I'd LOVE to be in love that way, and frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

SIDEBAR: This does NOT mean I'm not willing to 'fight for love', or whatever that means. Love should always endure through adversity, and if it doesn't... uh, it ain't love, right? I'm done, lmao. What do I know about love, you say? You're right. Absolutely nothing, but I definitely think love is subjective. So call it what you want.

I should be taking a shower/HW. Thanks blogger, you always do find a way to throw me off, lol. This picture looks awesome on my blog, too.. the one underneath this post.

-IJ

Present, Past, Future.

Memorial Day weekend came and went. It was indeed chill & much needed. I was sick yesterday, but miraculously, lmao, I am completely fine today. Yaaay. My weekend was funnnnn. Friday, I went to Sectionals for track. It was TOO funny. Me and Brittany are a mess together, and then with Sty & Micaela? Too much fun. The track boys are hilarious, and they made everything that much more fun. I heard it was hella fun on Saturday too, but I didn't feel like waking up at 7AM. Track season is over, pretty much. I enjoyed it, a lot.

Saturday was hella fun. First time out with Lane & Bee in a while and first time with Tiff & Mercedes. I wish Ishanna stayed! But, it was soo much craziness all in one car. Riding to the city was funny. Riding around the city was hella funny, and then going back to Jersey was freaking CRAZY. Stupid, yet sooo much fun in retrospect. I honestly miss just being out with all of my best friends. School has cut me off from everything & everyone this year. I MISS MY ITGIRLS the most, though. THEY are the best! Like, all of us together is SO MUCH fun. My best friends Missy & Naj - they work and juggle so much shit. I hardly ever get to just be with them, but last year we were ALWAYS with each other. I so miss it.

This time last year was the best. I had all of ITGIRL best friends, and then my other best friend, Bon. We were SO close. Thick as thieves! lol, So much has changed. I miss the way it was, but I can only embrace now for what it is. I'm grateful for my best friends, and I have Ishanna now, who wasn't there before. I still have Bon, we still have each other, and I'm glad. Yet, I can't help but to wonder, you know? We all do. I have a lot of stuff to focus on, and I'm not looking for a boyfriend. If I were, I don't think I'd settle for anyone other than him, as terrible as that sounds. Well, actually... I mean, if I met anyone who could be better for me than him, I would be willing to. But I'm not looking, and that person isn't around, so I'm good.

Sucks, because I actually wanted things to progress with the one person I was talking to. But, at this point, I'm almost certain that things won't. I'm not going to put effort out, and in return, get a pat on the back. I'm not going to show my ass to get attention, either. I hate when nothing is clear to me, and I have to constantly seek clarification. Like wth, that's retarded. I'm understanding, but I think people have to realize that some things just AREN'T okay. Maybe I was wrong for looking for something more, because based on everything, this person apparently was not interested in that. Shame on IJ? I suppose. Buttt, i'm just wayyyy too bossy. lmao. That's a joke.. but honestly, c'mon. Don't be ambiguous with me. Either it is or it ain't. There really shouldn't be anything in between - that's where I refuse to be.

Well, that covers pretty much everything. PROM IN FOUR DAYS. A little excited... lmao. Okay, I lied. I'm hella stoked & very anxious. Idk, why. Just two weeks ago, I hardly wanted to go... ahahaa. I had a reaally awkward dream about prom that I won't even elaborate on. Gave me the creeps, forreal. Summer is so close, and I love it. i hope this summer loves me back. For once, I may have a decent summer, where everything falls right in place. Going to DC, then when I get back (neverrrr! lol), I'll be working & doing whatever. Plus, California sounds like a go, too. I'm waaaay too stoked.

sidebar: If I pull off THREE more correct answers on SATs than I did last time, I have full-tuition & fees guaranteed at Howard. YAAY! Looks like I might not have to pay for college. I'm at 1140 with Critical Reading & Math combined, I need a 1170 for the scholarship, and I'm aiming for a 1300 for the next scholarship, which covers tuition, fees, & housing. Howard wasn't my first choice, intially, but the money is looking right. holla.

So high, and there is no looking down.

-IJ

LMAO.

Cop forgets national anthem


Straight butchered the National Anthem, though.
ahahahahaahaha.

I am far from poetic.

Why do we settle for sub par?

What is it that inclines us to stay, rather than find something greater? Is it fear that if we search for something greater, our desires may remain unfulfilled? Or are we reaching for something that is unattainable?

What is there to question? Nothing at all. I know what I want. I know what I am searching for, and I'm not in a rush to find it. I would much rather have no one than to have someone who is not right for me. This stupid chase that we all go through disgusts me. When it's right, everything comes together. When it isn't, there's a force between it that pushes you away. Fighting against it only further leads to the realization - THIS is not what I need.

I don't need anyone in my life to hold me back - hence the reason why I have a handful of friends. It is beyond troubling to be at constant unease. I genuinely want to have more friends, who will not hold me back, but advance me to the next stage of my life. At this point, I think it won't happen in high school, at all.

I keep all of this in mind every single day. I need nothing that this society has to offer - this bullshit that people deem normality. I went through more than anyone could imagine throughout my high school years. I became apart of every crowd there is. I won't say "don't judge me," because you will anyway. I am trying to exemplify the essence of real, whether or not anyone thinks I am successfully doing so. I find it hard to fake feelings. Call it what you want.

If I can't see the bigger picture, it means nothing. No one relates to my utmost thoughts. I have the strangest imagination, dreams, goals, and ideals. I have never met anyone who has truly embraced this about me. Yet, this is asking someone to understand things that are incomprehensible.

Inspire me for ONCE. Is there anyone who possibly could? Yes. There is. I met someone who almost completely understood me, which is extremely honorable. But, still in search of...

I climb for me. I reach for me. I do things for me and MY future. I stumble, of course. I slip up, and consider trivial things that surround me, but I always refocus.

I WILL NO LONGER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT I DESERVE.

-IJ

We Become Legendary — Everything We Dreamed Of...

I feel so relieved! I did well today during my speech, and although I am running unopposed, I felt that doing a great speech was absolutely necessary. I had an insane case of stage fright for the longest time. I am really a shy person, deep down inside. However, I felt amazing after my speech—I felt like I could do anything if I wanted to. My brother inspired me in SO many ways, and today was just another example of how much I admire him. He gave me ALL of these pointers, lol. And it worked! It helped me so much today.

So where do I go from here? I got a call today from a woman at St. Albans! They want to hear from me and confirm everything.
SUPER IRONIC, as I typed this first part ^, I decided to call her back. No answe so, I started to send her an e-mail, and then she called me back, and St. Albans JUST got my forms. NOTE, I sent them 4 weeks ago!! You can check the blog.. during Spring Break! -_- I really don't know what happened buttt, it sucks A LOT. I'd hate to not get enough money because of this. I want to go to this program SO badly.

Well, I am okay. Just a little concerned about my summer now. However, I have to remain focused. I have been getting a little distracted lately. Silly me, I know. But I feel good about a lot of things. Includinggggg.. yeah. Him, too. He's making my week a little bit better everyday now, AND I LOVE IT.

My future seems hella bright. Lol, I'm just hoping that it only gets brighter. Now that the majority of my issues are resolved, I have to just wait things out. Prom is soon. My application to the Yardley Commons place is in, and I'm just waiting on that. My finals are coming up, but that's IT. After that, this Junior year will be gone, and you don't even know how excited I am! YAAAAAAAY. It was successful, and Senior year will only get better. Gotta Thank God for everything.

Maybe no one will ever understand why I love this song so much. It puts me somewheree else — a place where this song could actually come true. Lol, I wish; story of my life. I want someone to prove everythingggg wrong. Before, everything that I imagined was him. Okay, well, I didn't dream of having the perfect-Filipino-boyfriend, lol, but that didn't make any difference to me. I just wanted someone to understand me, and accept me for me, no matter what.

But no one is perfect. Even if one tries to be. I know I'm imperfect. I admit to it everyday, and I own up to all of my shit. Yet, I get the SORRIEST explanations as to why I'm not good enough. AH, whatever. I'm like, you crazy. IalreadyknowI'mtoofllyyyyyy.
Quit fronting on me, people. lolllll.

Lol, So I'll post both songs. Prototype & Punch Drunk Love. They're only a song apart on my iPod. Coincidental, I guess.

OKAY! I'm gone. Sit tight, I might give a Prom sneak peak! Lol, not that serious, so I might as well, right?

-IJ

You Are the Prototype — still.

Well, I had to update. It has been over a week andddd, I AM SO HAPPY THAT AP CHEM IS OVER. My exam was today, and it was not fun, at all. However, it is ovahhh. Yeeeuhhhh. Time to focus on another phase. ie: Getting my job soon, getting my prom stuff, Student Government elections, and SUMMER IN D.C.!

Yippie, I'm running for President unopposed, lol. So, I will be President next year for sure. I am quite pleased. Running against someone isn't important to me. Doing what I need to do as President, however, is my goal amongst all other things. Um, I'll be hella busy with all of that. It is mandatory to become the student member on the Board of Education as President of Student Gov, and I already know who I'm choosing as for the second member - Seany G! Lol, or Sean. One of my better friends. Also helps that his Dad is on the BOE already, lmao. That's a pretty good look. The point is, I have to be at EVERY board meeting. Demanding? Quite. Impossible? Never. Worthwhile? Of course. I will be learning a lot from the whole experience. Going to St. Albans School of Public Service this summer is also a VERY good look for me. It will definitely put me where I need to be, and give me a lot of insight and knowledge in public policy. Bossy? I know. LOL.

In addition to this madness, I'm trying to fit in time for sports, and a steady j-0-b. I'm hunting now, so we'll see what happens. I get easily frustrated with job applications. I NEVER get called back! Of course, I follow up and all of that, but nothing ever goes through. Nonetheless, I'm determined to get shit done, no matter what. I will be getting a job, SOON. Bossy? I knowww, I knowww. lol!

Today was not the best day. I felt like 30 different ways ALL at once, lol. I was frustrated, upset, confuseddd, apathetic, nostalgic, and so many other mixed feelings that I just didn't feel like explaining to anyone. I would sound crazy...

The Chem test was very overwhelming. After that was over, I felt SO empty. Lol, mentally and emotionally. I wanted everything after that to just go smoothly. Basically, I wanted things to happen MY way. They didn't, as usual. Lmao, the WORST part about it is that I get upset as if someone let me down... but, I come up with these conclusions in my mind, and I get my OWN hopes up. In the fantasy world in my mind, lol, things happen so perfectly. My expectations are insane. When people don't live up to them, I look at them funny, as if they KNEW what I wanted them to do. Yet, I expect people to know what I want without telling them...

I miss how things were BEFORE the insignificance became the most important part of my relationship with him. He let me down, and I couldn't believe that it happened the way it did. I still wish that none of it ever happened... It changed me in SO many ways. Now, I look at life as if everyone has the same twisted image of equality. And then this question arises — AM I JUST NOT WORTH IT TO YOU?

I hate this whole story, and I hate how it affected me. I have never been so offended and unappreciated in my life. Thanks, a lot... but don't worry, I looooove being a black girl, lmao. I LOVE who I am. I hate that I am selfish, and I'll admit to that. That's a character flaw that I CAN change. But I could never change my identity, my race, my culture, my family, or my intrinsic ability to love unconditionally. So yea, if you can't be unconditional, you are a complete waste of time. 8 months to be exact..

Ah, so I just caught myself venting.. lol. But this is what it's for, pretty much. My life, and everything that I will never get a chance to say or explain to anyone. It alllll comes here, whenever I get the opportunity to post. Blogging is super cooool! Lol.

Sidebar, It's funny when people come back into your life just to remind you of how far off you were back then. This person will never read this, but nigga you are stoooopid. Like, what did you do? Bang your face against the keyboard when you sent that nutty ass message? Honestly, you won't ever get that far with me again in yo' life. So keep that shit movin'. I'll talk to you when I talk to you... lmao. Butttt, we can still have lunch, dinner, or see a movieeeeee — your treat. lmao! No, that tops it all. THAT was bossy. Lol, call it what you want. I'm actually feeling a lot better than I felt earlier. Lol, so yeaaaa this week should be interesting...

-IJeezy.

System Overload.

I feel like... hm.
What am I really searching for at this point? No clue... but I know I'm trying to find something. I feel so content, and then I start thinking... like "would I be happier if...?" So it's starting to come down to IF. I hateeee 'if'.

Okay, besides that. I don't know if I'm wrong for all of this. I hate that the person who I felt the closest to is so far gone. He is truly somewhere else, and when I try to figure out where he is, or how he got out there, it's pointless. Mind you, my attempts to 'be there' for this person is not for me, at all. I am not doing any of this in vain. However, all of my consideration means nothing to this person. So what I can do besides walk away from it all? I have no problem with doing that, but I hate looking at him knowing that he is so far from the person that I loved him for. I have nothing else to give at this point. I mean, I do, but I can't. I am happy that he is alive & well, and I wish him the best of luck for the future (God bless!)... but I think I have decided that I will not stick around to see how things turn for him. No one could ever truly understand the relationship I had with this person. We know each other better than anyone in this world. That's why I feel this way.

Dramaaaaa. Lol, it deters everything. If I'm in any of it, see how quickly I come out of it. You honestly think that I will stay in a situation that will result in drama? No? You're so right! Think about it... it will get me NO WHERE. It will get THEM NO WHERE, and if you think I'm willing to put myself in drama for one person—you are stoooopiddddd, lmao, and you must not know me too well. So, for the record, I'm not with any of it. You can count me out. Basically, I will always stay true to myself. I will not change to accommodate anyone. Now, I wanna make something clear about that. When I recognize that something is better than what I was doing before, I will adjust for ME—to better myself. However, I am not going to switch up my basic morals to stay in the picture. I am not going to fight for attention, I am not going to show my ass, I am not going to sway my beliefs. If I am worth it to you, it would be a really good idea to let ME know. Otherwise, I will try to interpret things and fix myself on these ideas, which are never really accurate, lmao, but that's what I do when I know NOTHING. I try to figure it out myself! And frankly, so does everyone else. Okay soooo, lol. I just want to know where I am in the picture... if I am even IN the picture, lmao. No hard feelings if I'm not. It's all love over here! And if it has to be like that, well... idk. Unlike other people, I will live—with or without this person. We all have our problems. Blah, blah. ifi'minthewaythenletmeknowwww, lol. Simple as that.
YOU DIGGG?!? lmao, in case you didn't know, I'm hood in real life. Like, fuhrill doe.

Lmao, on a lighter note. Since I haven't blogged in a minute—school has been quite demanding—I'm still trying see what's up for the rest of my life. Lmao. Seriously... I have like so much to decide within the upcoming months. College apps are about to get real serious. I take SATs again. I'm starting look at scholarship jawns. I'm about fail my AP test.. lol. AH, don't remind me. Speaking of which I have to get to wizzork. I have some stuff to do, and I need to shower... lmao! Okay, byeeee niggas. SOKEEPYOURLOVELOCKEDDOWN.

Michael Jackson is KING of this shit! Seriously.


-IJ