Photographs.

Various pictures from the past. :D

hm.

-IJ

BackatBlogger.

"I am one lazy b-word."

-IJ

What's been going on? I mean, it's a whole-nother year. I'll be graduating in a couple months, off to college in a couple more. I've been through a lot more craziness. Perhaps TOO much to explain. I don't think that I could justly summarize all that has happened in one post, so I won't.

I will say, however, that I am happy with where I am today. I wanna keep finding myself, though, because I'm still unsure as to where I "should" be.

Right now, my life consists of school, school, school, collegestuff, and a thin slice of "other". I spend so much time in school... it's almost scary. It is pretty gay, I will admit. I love what I do, most of the time. Other times, I wish I had the audacity to take the easy route, like most seniors. Yea, I'm trying to balance 4 AP courses, Senior Mentoring, Student Body President, Yearbook editing, Varsity Basketball, Board of Education, and the 23452 other extra-curricular activities. I always feel like I sound like the most ANNOYING b-word in the world when I type/say all that. Most people with my type of schedule would try to "brag" about it, like it matters. That's lame to me, and I wouldn't even do that... ever. I just do what everyone else won't, and that's accept responsibilty and take student leadership.

Okay, so taking the easy route was never an option for me. I know that God put me here to do exactly what I'm doing now, if not more. So let's just make that clear...

I should be doing a lot of things right now. For instance, 3 days worth of homework. It snowed like crazy alllllllllll week. Most snow ever in the Philly metro, I think? So, thankfully, we're in the middle of "the SIX DAY WEEKEND 2010". Crazy, huh? Well, yea. I didn't even touch my homework... like every few hours, I'll stop facebooking (aka bullshitting), stare at my bookbag like o.o ... and I turn my head. ^_^

College applications are essentially finished, lol. I'll run down 'da list:

• Rutgers Univerity in New Brunswick:
• Admitted to Arts&Sciences, Engineering. NOT Admitted to Pharmacy.
• - This was my number one choice. Pharmacy is my major, in case you ain't know. And so getting this news sucked booty, but I got over it. There's more, you know?
  
• Temple University in Philadelphia:
  Admitted. Pre-Pharmacy,
• - Temple is kind of a backup for me. I've never really considered, only because it's too close, for me. I wouldn't know whether to stay at home and commute (which is NOT an option for me), or pay thousands to stay on campus... which is about 20 minutes away from home. You do the math.
  
• Duquesne University in Pittsburgh:
• Admitted. 2+4 Pharm.D program!
• - So Duquesne was definitely up there on my list, but it has slowly became my number one choice. It's far, but not too far. It's a nice school. It has my program, and I've been accepted. Oh, and they're offering a decent amount of scholarship $$$! So right now, I'm leaning toward Duquesne! I'm excited, too. I am supposed to be visiting Feb. 21st. Oh, and I hear Pittsburgh is nice, and we shall see.
  
• St. John's University in Queens, NY:
  Admitted. NOT Admitted to Pharmacy Program.
• - So STJ did me dirty, lol. They offered me this Priority Application, and I did it! It said all this crap about "decision in 2 weeks" and 2 weeks in NY probably means 4 months... because that's how long it took them... lol. Anyway, I didn't submit an essay or anything because this priority app... I probably should have, though. Whatever, anyway I got in, just not for my program. Scratched off the list.
  
• Stockton College in Pomona, NJ:
• Admitted, Not for 3+4 Pharmacy Program.
• - Whatevs, never wanted to go to Stockton. Just applied. Scratched off.
  
• Northeastern University in Boston:
• Waiting to hear back!
  - I'd love to go hereeee, ughhh. Cross your fingers!
  
• Hampton University in Virginia:
• Waiting to hear back!
  - Another back up, HBCU. Depends on how much they're offering. They have a Pharm program, so we shall see.
  
• Florida A&M University in Tallahassee, FL:
  Waiting to hear back!
• - I already know that I qualify for a nice little scholarship jawn, soo I'm just waiting.
  
• University of the Sciences in Philadelphia:
• Waiting to hear back!
• - I'm starting to get nervous. They're taking 123421 years... but they have a nice 6-year Pharmacy program. I've visited over the summer. It's small & close. Maybe a little too small & close for me, but idk.
  
• Montclair State University in NJ:
• Waiting to hear back!
• - I'm supposed to be doing EOF for them, butttt I think I'll switch to normal student status. I don't wanna do a summer program thing, to be honest. But, hey. The money be there, sooo.. lol.

This college crap is exhausting as you can tell. I'm just ready to be there already. Sucks that I couldn't apply to anything in DC. I loved it there. Howard has an 8-year Pharmacy program, though. and I'm tryna be in and OUT of college. okay?! Anyway, I'm done with this post. I'm annoyed. lmaoo.. this college shit gets on my nervessssssssss.

Ilovethissong;

"♥" note to self.

I've decided to omit the word 'love' from this post. Too early to tell what I'm feeling now, so it can be a variable.

He effortlessly completes who I find myself as – who I am. I am learning how to become at peace with myself, and yet I joyously fail. I find myself in you. Where I want to be and where I’d like to be… where I’d ♥ to be. Simply, you answer each inquiry. In the end – you’re magnetic, and I’m not fighting it. Although, I should be. You always say you’re no good for me…

So when ♥ feels like this, is it really how it should be? You comfort me; I’m at ease around you. Sweet and hopeful, and I think of this every time. How can you keep me here? I know that I ♥ you, but are you sure that this is what you call ♥? Stumbling over my own thoughts; I breathe, because if I panic, you’ll run off, heart in hand. Yearning for a mutual compassion and understanding, and someday soon. You remember how it was, right? You know, when I looked into your eyes and blinked at the sight of your soul… or when we held each other, cried, wondered, wished, imagined, dreamt of everything in silence, only broken by the whispers of sweet, meaningful discourse, and my lips as they fell on your skin. Unlike anything else, it was. You hold onto that key, with which you can liberate these perfect memories –revert them into our present day, and aimlessly fall back into the ♥ we once knew. Dive in headfirst. Or reconsider ♥. Redirect ♥. Revise, edit, and re-submit ♥… because sometimes ♥ requires a little proofreading.

So think back, but not too far back. Those days are not destined to return – bittersweet. Hold on, though, ♥. Don’t let the magnet slip away from you. You train yourself to be lost, but we both know where you belong. Haplessly, we couldn’t protect it, but ♥ can be renewed. The only ♥ that I find is worth holding onto is this. Just don’t disappoint it this time around. All the bullshit can never aptly disguise how we feel about this, because at the end of the day the only thing that ever mattered to us was… love.

sky high—doped up.

So, this post is for people, clothing, objects, or whatever that is dope, in my perspective. I think I'll start with my homegirl - Fefe Dobson!
I always thought she was lame. Now, I am completely convinced that she is awesome. Her songs are good, she's a lot different from the typical artists in her class/genre. She has her own little edginess about her, and THAT to me is dope - being confortable with one's style & making that particular style seem like hot shit! no matter what it is! I just read on wikipedia that she was considered 'R&B' rather than Rock because of her race; she's white & Jamaican. I can imagine how sucky that miscategorization would be. Not being able to follow her passion - which is CLEARLY Rock. I mean, she's Canadian. lol, black girls in Canada get down like that! haha, joke. Her buzz died after she started becoming more edgy, but she's back! Her new song is decent, and I love it. So yea, Fefe - YOU ARE DOPE!


Next is The Kite Runner. Amazing novel that I had to read for my AP English class. I absolutely love this book. My favorite book by far, and reading it has took my mind off of a lot of things going on in my life. I enjoyed it a lot, and Khaled Hosseini is an AMAZING author. I'm so reading A Thousand Splendid Suns. Hands down, The Kite Runner was the dopest book I've ever read.

DOPE ITEMS: Chex Mix, Cranberry Juice - Nantucket Nectars Big Cranberry Juice, oatmeal rasin cookies, turkey bacon & hot dogs, frozen yogurt from YogiBerry! OMG, I might even dedicate an entire post on my love for fro-yo! I must find an equivalent in NJ or the Philly metro area. Apparently, YogiBerry is a DC Metro thang. Yum yum, nigga!

SIDEBAR: Omgosh, I had a dream last night that I tried on a pair of COMFY stilettos that were SO dope. Seriously! They were cute as hell. lol, and in my dream I was like OMG! I love these! They felt like running sneakers on the inside, but they were pumps! How awesome is that? lmao, I'm honestly considering the whole 'girly' thing. I think it's cute if you do it well, and I WANNA love heels. So, we'll see how this works out, if it works out. lol.


Music Videos - Video Playlists - New Music

Fefe's new jawn!

-IJ

sky high—the decline.

And just like that. Every ounce of self-respect is gone. I bottle up these insecurities. Hoping, praying, wishing, that I wouldn't regret it all in less than two days. "I give you my all and the next morning you forget who... or why".

So now I'm wishing that you didn't know my number, name, or anything. Wishing that you didn't exist. Only because it hurts more than I expected it to. It hits me... like, you really don't care, do you? I could have left this behind, moved on, and pretended that you didn't mean anything. I would have been sort of happy. Now what? I'm stuck. You have every reason to love me, but you won't. Yet, you only need one reason to not love me. At this thought, I honestly become irrate - you don't love me because I called you an ass? Literally, it's that simple.

I lay in my bed... practically lifeless. My energy is sucked out of me. My self-esteem, my pride, my happiness, my joy, my confidence. It's like everything lies within that thought of love - True Love, which does not exist in my life. Only this excuse for being on the phone with you every night. Thinking of you when I go to sleep, only because I feel like I need to in order to stay content. This cycle has been conditioned into my way of thinking. Psychologically, I'm a mess. I break away from it, and I become so self-satisfied. Then I come back, and I secretly hate myself for being so weak, vulnerable, and brainless. You kill every thought of hope that I have for myself. I love you? Why? Because you used to love me, too. The way love was supposed to feel.

I tremble. I am so fearful of this. Rejection. Complete killjoy... this feeling can't be appropriately transcribed into words. Just imagine feeling better than ever, and suddenly, intuition tells you that you won't have this feeling for long. Sure enough, you're ignored. Completely shut out of someone's life. The person who tells you that they love you and miss you every night. That person has no idea what he/she is doing to you, just by saying 'I love you'.

I have no love for myself. I thrive off of the love of someone else. Always have, I guess. I am incredibly weak. I have no pride in myself after being rejected. Just utter disdain. I hate myself for doing whatever to that person. It's always my fault. I'm to blame. Shifting back and forth from happiness to depression. I imagine, dream about being happy. Once I get a few days of this happiness, I live for it. I love myself, but more importantly, I love you. Self-love doesn't matter anymore... I got you for that, right? Until I don't have you... and you leave me in this pain. Tears pouring out of my EARS, because my tears from my eyes couldn't possibly suffice. Where's this all coming from? Why can't I just be stronger than this? Suffocated with this dejection and worthlessness. I feel like absolutely nothing.

I'll never be enough. My love won't be enough, my care, affection, concern. Nothing. In the end, I'm just trying to regain your love, when I know that won't happen. You won't ever love me the way that I love you. I strive to occupy myself with you, and you push me away. I won't give up on you, and for that, you give up on me. Your selfishness is the reason why I can't be happy on my own. Love me or leave me alone, right? Why can't I believe in that? Why won't I ever appreciate another guy? When will you understand that no one else could love you the way that I do?

And just like that. I find myself in this never ending cycle of thoughts. Negative, self-depricating thoughts. In a depressed rut. "Until you find yourself, it's impossible to lose you... because I never had you. Although, I would be glad to. I'd probably go and tattoo your name on my heart.. I swear, I start to think that I'm going crazy".

Late Night.

Funny, because I just finished catching up with my bestfriend Elena over the phone. Whenever we talk, we "give & take," and always end our conversations with a better understanding of whatever the topic is. I love her! She will always be there for me, and I know it. That makes me really happy.

Okay, she told me about a bad situation that happened to her tonight. Neither of us have ever been in a situation like it. It involved boys fighting, crying, and drama out the assss. Bestfriends have to support each other, and that's what I did. Over the phone, of course. lol. She's fine, thank God. The situation is over, for the moment. After she explained everything, we talked everything through, and she's all right. Thennnn, it was my turn. lol.

So what's been going on with me? Just a lot of poor decisions on my behalf. I made a mistake by not letting go of the past, and it caught up with me. Now, I'm dealing with the reality of the present. Things will never quite be the same as before. Devestating at first, but it's real life. Nothing stays the same, and that's the beauty of it. I can't insist on wishing for something that will not happen. I cannot remain consumed in a false reality that will never come true. I have to realize the truth of the matter.

I am waiting for something incredible to happen, lol. Like a miracle! For the one person to suddenly feel how I feel. For the mutuality to suddenly reappear. Wait, I should correct that. I was waiting. I can't anymore. No one understands how I felt. Nothing could ever compare to what I felt. After all of the rejection, alienatation, desperation - yes, I said it - I REFUSE. I am worth so much more. I have every reason in the world to be happy without this person. Sure, I was happy with him, but so what? It sucks that I could never feel that EXACT feeling again, but so what? I have the power to be happy alone, or with someone else. Call it you want, but these are my feelings, and they are justified by all means. I will always frown upon my moments of stupidity, because I know myself. At the same time, however, I know people are somewhat fed up with my decisions, indeciveness, and obscurity. Whatev. I did what i did, and I'm still here. I get so caught up in the moment. Lol, I spaz out, and then think about it a week later like - what the hell? Why was I so angry? - lmao. Pretty funny, because everyone does. If not a week later, then a month or so.

It truly is a learning experience, these years in high school. My experiences may not seems as "juicy" as others, but I've had my share of drama. Not fun. I am SO emotional. It is somehow in my nature to be emotional, because I have this 'passion' thing. Lol, sounds retarded. Whenever I'm involved or dedicated or committed to something, this passion just comes out of no where, and I am IN it. If I actually get to the point where I fall in love, which takes a lot, I am there. There's no question about it, and I will never try to hide that from the person I'm in love with or those around me. If it's there, it's there. That's where I make my mistakes. I get caught up with the idea of loveeee, and unconditional loveeeee - where, no matter what, I am here. It takes a lot to "fall out of love", and I still haven't quite figured that out yet. I am afraid of this passion, at times. It can completely take over, and I become like... someone else. It is intense! I sound weird, but it is completely true, and idk. This same passion to love someone can be easily redirected into anger & utter disdain for someone who does not appreciate me, respect me, or whatever else. Not everyone, just the person who I completely open up to.

Love is funny. I can only characterize it subjectively, so I won't. lol, But I will give my opinions and thoughts on love. I have yet found love that I can depend on. Many may argue that if it isn't 'dependable,' it isn't love. Well, whatever. I don't agree. Love is so tricky, and it changes. I hate that it changes. That's probably what I fear the most. When things start to change... when love changes. When you look at things differently, question things you would never question, say things you would never have the nerve or courage to say. When love changes, one has absolutely no control. I hate it! Not having control of something that is, in essence, yours, and no one elses. I had everything right in front of me, and suddenly, things are hidden. Tricky business..

One day, I'll learn more. I'll understand my own passion & nature. I'll understand my tendencies, and learn how this love thing really works. At this age, it eventually become somewhat of a game. If you aren't playing the game, chances are he or she is. I could explain, in depth, my experiences, and how love has been soooo tainted for me. Unfortunately, I won't. I am, once again, afraid of true love. I don't even know what it is, or if it can ever exist. Everything seems real for the moment. Being hurt by the person you "love the most," has happened twice. It's good, though. I just have to reevaluate what it means to love.

Still waiting for the one person to prove everything wrong. And to the person who let me down this time - you probably won't realize what this all means anytime soon. You've become everything that I never wanted you to become. Not sure how it happened. You were truly the realest thing I knew for the longest time, and I loved you for that. Maybe I held on because I didn't want you to become that guy - typical. It's hard to understand anything when it comes to you now. You're so far gone with what's around you... and because you're so selfish and oblivious, you won't ever see what was in front of you - what you had all along. In the end, it was my fault. I was foolish. Being unconditional doesn't work when love doesn't exist... and you can't look for something that doesn't exist, right? Therefore, you win.



I love this song.

-IJ

Homecoming.

I haven't blogged in years! Sike. more like a month. I AM HOME FROM DC.

FAQs

Sooo, how was it?!
Amazing. I loved St. Albans, the School of Public Service, and DC. I've met soo many people who are INCREDIBLY intelligent. Being around so many driven, bright, and motivated high school students, all with similar goals and aspirations, is sooo enlightening. It was almost intimidating at first. lol, Seriously. However, as the weeks passed, it was fine. It's like, now I have this family from Boston, and a whole bunch of cool people in Tennessee that will always be there for me. Of course, there are like 40 new facebook friends, LMAO, and people who will now be apart of my 'network'! DC is an amazing city, and I'd sooo live there. So now, I gotta get into some research, as far as colleges. I would love to go to American, GW, or Georgetown. I am looking forward to being in DC again, and of course, Howard is still an option. Ultimately, I had the best time. Spending four weeks of my summer before senior year doing intense college-like studying on Policy & Government sounds sucky, but it was SO worth it. Trust me.

Soooo, now what?!
Time to focus on colleges, summer work & reading, and my senior year. There is SO much on my plate this year, and I'm looking forward to it. Sounds insane, lol. But I know I can handle all of this, and I can't wait to actually say that I have. So here it is:
AP Calculus, AP English, AP US History, Honors Physics, Senior Mentoring, Concert Band, Field Hockey, Basketball, Yearbook, Newspaper, the entire Student Government, the Board of Education, and I would love to add on to the list with Leo Club, and other service groups where I can give back to the community somehow. I'm sure that won't happen through the school, so I have to take the time to actually find out where they are.

" I just wanna be successful. "
- Trey Songz

Indeed. I wanna tackle everything and come up clean. Weird metaphor, lmao. But yea, that's how I feel. After being in DC, I've realized that I have these duties to uphold, and I want to be able to accomplish every goal I set for myself. So in order to prepare myself for everything that will happen in the near future, I have to be willing to accept responsibility. I can't shy away from anything at this point. I won't.

Well, this post may be really boring, but I wanted to save the 'feelings' for another post. I have a lot to say, but I don't think I'll ramble on about it for too long. I'd like to get my thought out, but I'd also like to stay somewhat private. So yea. All in all, it feels good to be home!



But I still miss it a lot, lmao. DC was awesomeeeeee.