Late Night.

Funny, because I just finished catching up with my bestfriend Elena over the phone. Whenever we talk, we "give & take," and always end our conversations with a better understanding of whatever the topic is. I love her! She will always be there for me, and I know it. That makes me really happy.

Okay, she told me about a bad situation that happened to her tonight. Neither of us have ever been in a situation like it. It involved boys fighting, crying, and drama out the assss. Bestfriends have to support each other, and that's what I did. Over the phone, of course. lol. She's fine, thank God. The situation is over, for the moment. After she explained everything, we talked everything through, and she's all right. Thennnn, it was my turn. lol.

So what's been going on with me? Just a lot of poor decisions on my behalf. I made a mistake by not letting go of the past, and it caught up with me. Now, I'm dealing with the reality of the present. Things will never quite be the same as before. Devestating at first, but it's real life. Nothing stays the same, and that's the beauty of it. I can't insist on wishing for something that will not happen. I cannot remain consumed in a false reality that will never come true. I have to realize the truth of the matter.

I am waiting for something incredible to happen, lol. Like a miracle! For the one person to suddenly feel how I feel. For the mutuality to suddenly reappear. Wait, I should correct that. I was waiting. I can't anymore. No one understands how I felt. Nothing could ever compare to what I felt. After all of the rejection, alienatation, desperation - yes, I said it - I REFUSE. I am worth so much more. I have every reason in the world to be happy without this person. Sure, I was happy with him, but so what? It sucks that I could never feel that EXACT feeling again, but so what? I have the power to be happy alone, or with someone else. Call it you want, but these are my feelings, and they are justified by all means. I will always frown upon my moments of stupidity, because I know myself. At the same time, however, I know people are somewhat fed up with my decisions, indeciveness, and obscurity. Whatev. I did what i did, and I'm still here. I get so caught up in the moment. Lol, I spaz out, and then think about it a week later like - what the hell? Why was I so angry? - lmao. Pretty funny, because everyone does. If not a week later, then a month or so.

It truly is a learning experience, these years in high school. My experiences may not seems as "juicy" as others, but I've had my share of drama. Not fun. I am SO emotional. It is somehow in my nature to be emotional, because I have this 'passion' thing. Lol, sounds retarded. Whenever I'm involved or dedicated or committed to something, this passion just comes out of no where, and I am IN it. If I actually get to the point where I fall in love, which takes a lot, I am there. There's no question about it, and I will never try to hide that from the person I'm in love with or those around me. If it's there, it's there. That's where I make my mistakes. I get caught up with the idea of loveeee, and unconditional loveeeee - where, no matter what, I am here. It takes a lot to "fall out of love", and I still haven't quite figured that out yet. I am afraid of this passion, at times. It can completely take over, and I become like... someone else. It is intense! I sound weird, but it is completely true, and idk. This same passion to love someone can be easily redirected into anger & utter disdain for someone who does not appreciate me, respect me, or whatever else. Not everyone, just the person who I completely open up to.

Love is funny. I can only characterize it subjectively, so I won't. lol, But I will give my opinions and thoughts on love. I have yet found love that I can depend on. Many may argue that if it isn't 'dependable,' it isn't love. Well, whatever. I don't agree. Love is so tricky, and it changes. I hate that it changes. That's probably what I fear the most. When things start to change... when love changes. When you look at things differently, question things you would never question, say things you would never have the nerve or courage to say. When love changes, one has absolutely no control. I hate it! Not having control of something that is, in essence, yours, and no one elses. I had everything right in front of me, and suddenly, things are hidden. Tricky business..

One day, I'll learn more. I'll understand my own passion & nature. I'll understand my tendencies, and learn how this love thing really works. At this age, it eventually become somewhat of a game. If you aren't playing the game, chances are he or she is. I could explain, in depth, my experiences, and how love has been soooo tainted for me. Unfortunately, I won't. I am, once again, afraid of true love. I don't even know what it is, or if it can ever exist. Everything seems real for the moment. Being hurt by the person you "love the most," has happened twice. It's good, though. I just have to reevaluate what it means to love.

Still waiting for the one person to prove everything wrong. And to the person who let me down this time - you probably won't realize what this all means anytime soon. You've become everything that I never wanted you to become. Not sure how it happened. You were truly the realest thing I knew for the longest time, and I loved you for that. Maybe I held on because I didn't want you to become that guy - typical. It's hard to understand anything when it comes to you now. You're so far gone with what's around you... and because you're so selfish and oblivious, you won't ever see what was in front of you - what you had all along. In the end, it was my fault. I was foolish. Being unconditional doesn't work when love doesn't exist... and you can't look for something that doesn't exist, right? Therefore, you win.



I love this song.

-IJ

Homecoming.

I haven't blogged in years! Sike. more like a month. I AM HOME FROM DC.

FAQs

Sooo, how was it?!
Amazing. I loved St. Albans, the School of Public Service, and DC. I've met soo many people who are INCREDIBLY intelligent. Being around so many driven, bright, and motivated high school students, all with similar goals and aspirations, is sooo enlightening. It was almost intimidating at first. lol, Seriously. However, as the weeks passed, it was fine. It's like, now I have this family from Boston, and a whole bunch of cool people in Tennessee that will always be there for me. Of course, there are like 40 new facebook friends, LMAO, and people who will now be apart of my 'network'! DC is an amazing city, and I'd sooo live there. So now, I gotta get into some research, as far as colleges. I would love to go to American, GW, or Georgetown. I am looking forward to being in DC again, and of course, Howard is still an option. Ultimately, I had the best time. Spending four weeks of my summer before senior year doing intense college-like studying on Policy & Government sounds sucky, but it was SO worth it. Trust me.

Soooo, now what?!
Time to focus on colleges, summer work & reading, and my senior year. There is SO much on my plate this year, and I'm looking forward to it. Sounds insane, lol. But I know I can handle all of this, and I can't wait to actually say that I have. So here it is:
AP Calculus, AP English, AP US History, Honors Physics, Senior Mentoring, Concert Band, Field Hockey, Basketball, Yearbook, Newspaper, the entire Student Government, the Board of Education, and I would love to add on to the list with Leo Club, and other service groups where I can give back to the community somehow. I'm sure that won't happen through the school, so I have to take the time to actually find out where they are.

" I just wanna be successful. "
- Trey Songz

Indeed. I wanna tackle everything and come up clean. Weird metaphor, lmao. But yea, that's how I feel. After being in DC, I've realized that I have these duties to uphold, and I want to be able to accomplish every goal I set for myself. So in order to prepare myself for everything that will happen in the near future, I have to be willing to accept responsibility. I can't shy away from anything at this point. I won't.

Well, this post may be really boring, but I wanted to save the 'feelings' for another post. I have a lot to say, but I don't think I'll ramble on about it for too long. I'd like to get my thought out, but I'd also like to stay somewhat private. So yea. All in all, it feels good to be home!



But I still miss it a lot, lmao. DC was awesomeeeeee.

Picture This.

PROM 2009

Lol, nutty.

Just a few.
-IJ

Wait...

warning: this will make no sense if you aren't the person I'm adressing. you can scroll down.

Time out:
what is your problem, homeboy? you've been doing you, so why give me a hard time?
i'm over it. yes, you win. i can't argue with you about something that YOU had total control over. you control your actions, not me. WHY/HOW can you possibly be mad at me for that? You're funny money. SERIOUSLY.

IDC:
you can do whatever you like. but don't get mad at me because I'M NOT MAD AT YOU. you want me to be angry, and i'm like.. uh. why? the situation is completely over, and you did what you wanted to. don't even worry about what happened with me, and why i'm not mad. that's not even important. i'm glad that you & homegirl aren't arguing for once, and that you're actually happy & not stressing. (on Friday, at least) duh? is that not something to be happy about? i'm honestly convinced that you would rather me be jealous than to be happy for you, which is sad. you're so used to drama & insecure/clingy girls that you think normality & maturity is abnormal. if you haven't noticed, i'm not like any of the girls you've been around. not trying to brag... just letting you know.

YOU:
HATE the fact that i want you to be happy... with or without me. i wish you weren't like that. that's just me being selfless & considerate. i care about you, but that doesn't mean i have to be selfish. i think you feel obligated to making certain people happy or something, and i'm like... why? you should be able to do what you want, say what you wanna say, and be real about it. as close as we were, i'm not sure why you would treat me like that. you 'missing me' & all that is cool, but this drama shit was never for me.. and i've said that a million times. i really don't know what you want from me at this point, and i'm not asking you for anything... you told me to leave you alone, and I promise I will. pleeeease don't expect me to be in your face, or anything. you asked for it, not me. you HAVE my number, so don't post shit about me on MySpace indirectly. wish you weren't being SO hypocritcal about all of this. you cursed me out? fine. but don't expect anything from me without an apology and an explaination first. i have no clue why any of this happened, and why you are so angry with ME. until you come to me with some kind of reasoning, don't expect much. -_-


fin.

Okay, in other news. lol... i'm enjoying myself lately. there's a picture or two from Prom under THE PHOTOS. i basically got a full scholarship to St. Albans School of Public Service, and I'm g-double-o-d, gooood. (in the words of KiD CuDi lol) Leaving really soon, so I'll be blogging more next week or so. Finals prep & school are my priorities for the time being. Took SATs - i feel really good about my Math, so hopefully my score that reflects that. I love my friends, they areee the best. Bon isn't an asshole anymore, which makes things a lot easier. My brother got a full scholie to GWU, yaaay. Family is proud of us, and I'm really happy with this year. Successful as heeelllllll. Time to go, here's a song. I based my entire blog on this song, lol.



-IJ

Where Love Is Like Breathing.

(watch in HQ, so much better.)

This song means waaay too much to me. I have no clue where the significance comes in.

Naw, I'm lying, I do. I feel like this SO often — wanting to get away... somewhere with the one person who could make me feel beyond overjoyed. Nothing sexual, if that's what you're thinking (you're pretty lame if you were...)

Just being with the person who I couldn't possibly get tired of. Someone to prove everything wrong—all of the stupidity that I grew accustomed to. Not bubbly or fairytale-like, just slightly surreal. Where everything feels somewhat perfect, realistically. (if that makes sense?)

Love should be like breathing. It should be evident, involuntary, and one should be able to embrace every part of it at any & every moment. Well, reality comes in — i guessssss we can't always exert love and accept it at every single moment; but feeling the effortless, magnetic love where everything just falls into place? We all should be able to experience that in our lives, sooner or later. I know I have to. I'd LOVE to be in love that way, and frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

SIDEBAR: This does NOT mean I'm not willing to 'fight for love', or whatever that means. Love should always endure through adversity, and if it doesn't... uh, it ain't love, right? I'm done, lmao. What do I know about love, you say? You're right. Absolutely nothing, but I definitely think love is subjective. So call it what you want.

I should be taking a shower/HW. Thanks blogger, you always do find a way to throw me off, lol. This picture looks awesome on my blog, too.. the one underneath this post.

-IJ

Present, Past, Future.

Memorial Day weekend came and went. It was indeed chill & much needed. I was sick yesterday, but miraculously, lmao, I am completely fine today. Yaaay. My weekend was funnnnn. Friday, I went to Sectionals for track. It was TOO funny. Me and Brittany are a mess together, and then with Sty & Micaela? Too much fun. The track boys are hilarious, and they made everything that much more fun. I heard it was hella fun on Saturday too, but I didn't feel like waking up at 7AM. Track season is over, pretty much. I enjoyed it, a lot.

Saturday was hella fun. First time out with Lane & Bee in a while and first time with Tiff & Mercedes. I wish Ishanna stayed! But, it was soo much craziness all in one car. Riding to the city was funny. Riding around the city was hella funny, and then going back to Jersey was freaking CRAZY. Stupid, yet sooo much fun in retrospect. I honestly miss just being out with all of my best friends. School has cut me off from everything & everyone this year. I MISS MY ITGIRLS the most, though. THEY are the best! Like, all of us together is SO MUCH fun. My best friends Missy & Naj - they work and juggle so much shit. I hardly ever get to just be with them, but last year we were ALWAYS with each other. I so miss it.

This time last year was the best. I had all of ITGIRL best friends, and then my other best friend, Bon. We were SO close. Thick as thieves! lol, So much has changed. I miss the way it was, but I can only embrace now for what it is. I'm grateful for my best friends, and I have Ishanna now, who wasn't there before. I still have Bon, we still have each other, and I'm glad. Yet, I can't help but to wonder, you know? We all do. I have a lot of stuff to focus on, and I'm not looking for a boyfriend. If I were, I don't think I'd settle for anyone other than him, as terrible as that sounds. Well, actually... I mean, if I met anyone who could be better for me than him, I would be willing to. But I'm not looking, and that person isn't around, so I'm good.

Sucks, because I actually wanted things to progress with the one person I was talking to. But, at this point, I'm almost certain that things won't. I'm not going to put effort out, and in return, get a pat on the back. I'm not going to show my ass to get attention, either. I hate when nothing is clear to me, and I have to constantly seek clarification. Like wth, that's retarded. I'm understanding, but I think people have to realize that some things just AREN'T okay. Maybe I was wrong for looking for something more, because based on everything, this person apparently was not interested in that. Shame on IJ? I suppose. Buttt, i'm just wayyyy too bossy. lmao. That's a joke.. but honestly, c'mon. Don't be ambiguous with me. Either it is or it ain't. There really shouldn't be anything in between - that's where I refuse to be.

Well, that covers pretty much everything. PROM IN FOUR DAYS. A little excited... lmao. Okay, I lied. I'm hella stoked & very anxious. Idk, why. Just two weeks ago, I hardly wanted to go... ahahaa. I had a reaally awkward dream about prom that I won't even elaborate on. Gave me the creeps, forreal. Summer is so close, and I love it. i hope this summer loves me back. For once, I may have a decent summer, where everything falls right in place. Going to DC, then when I get back (neverrrr! lol), I'll be working & doing whatever. Plus, California sounds like a go, too. I'm waaaay too stoked.

sidebar: If I pull off THREE more correct answers on SATs than I did last time, I have full-tuition & fees guaranteed at Howard. YAAY! Looks like I might not have to pay for college. I'm at 1140 with Critical Reading & Math combined, I need a 1170 for the scholarship, and I'm aiming for a 1300 for the next scholarship, which covers tuition, fees, & housing. Howard wasn't my first choice, intially, but the money is looking right. holla.

So high, and there is no looking down.

-IJ

LMAO.

Cop forgets national anthem


Straight butchered the National Anthem, though.
ahahahahaahaha.