A Certain Lust for Life.

Weird fact about me...

I love cutting my own hair. I get this strange satisfaction in seeing hair all over my bathroom sink, and after I'm done, I don't really care how short my hair is afterwards. It's just, "bye bye split ends," and then I'm happy. Yay. NO, it isn't this drastic, so don't get all in my face about it. I just love Kelis. Always have. Her haircuts are the dopest ON HER. If I had the balls, I'd so cut it this short, but I don't, so I'll just put her face up here.

I have to sweep & mop my bathroom and my kitchen before like 6. So that should be tons of fun. But anyway...Well, right now, everything is almost perfect. It will never be perfect, so I'm not complaining, but things seem to be going my way lately. Honor Roll, damn near straight A's. Ugh, I want them so bad! Just one B. But Q4 should definitely be straight A's... My AP test is coming soon, and after that, my AP Chem class is completely over. Yaaay. And right now, all we're doing is review, so there isn't anything to grade us on. Lol, so yea. I'm excited that this year is almost at its end.

"Some People Hate", Jay-Z. It's on the Gift & the Curse. That song describes how things are for me right now. At this point in my life, I make a lot of my own decisions, and I try not to stick too close to anyone. A lot of people would LOVE to see me fail. A lot of people would love to see me unhappy. Ironically, some of them are my "friends". I live for it, though. Seriously. I love when people have something negative to say to me in all of my glory, lol. Sounds weird, but when I'm doing really well and I'm excelling past everyone around me, people look at me funny, as if I'm not allowed to do well. Well, pay attention world: I AM NOT AN UNDERACHIEVER, so I guess everyone will have to get used to that.

Here's the thing, though. I will always be humble and modest about my own success. I never try to blurt it out or brag. Yet, I alwayssssss notice that people will try to brag PURPOSELY about something they've achieved. And I'm like.. GREAT JOB! I'm SO happy for you. SIKE.

I don't care, I still don't care, and I'll never acknowledge you or congratulate you when you're being pompous & arrogant. Clown. I will never do that whole bragging thing, so don't worry, you could never say I am being hypocritical about all of this. I don't expect anyone (in school) to care about what's going on in my life, what I've been doing throughout this school year, or how hard I've been working. So I'll leave it at that.

Everything is still great though. On to another topic, just for me to get my thoughts out. Lately, I've been feeling like... soon, I'll forget about it all. I'll forget about everything that I thought I would never forget. Just as the days go by, I'm going along with them, and there is nothing that's slowing me down from moving on. So what do I do? I keep going until something stops me. If nothing does, I'll keep going. Simple. I'm in a weird position though. I can think that everything is how it should be, but I'm never sure. Yes, he tells me everything, and I love that & I appreciate that a lot, but sometimes I do feel a certain way about EIGHT other people being in the picture. Most of the time, I understand. But I feel like I'm always trying to figure shit out. Like, today. I'm like, wait wha? When did that happen? Am I missing something?

I never gave him that whole "you do you" thing... but I think he gave me that before. Ugh. So where am I? ...I guess I'm in the middle of it all. Exactly where I didn't want to be, lol. Do I really want to forget about everything from the past at this point? I'd like to, and I am starting to. But sometimes, I feel like just another one the girls who's fighting back & forth for his attention. No, I'm not fighting for any attention. I'd never do that, it's really not my style, but I guess it would be nice if he could prove that wrong for me, so that I could REALLY forget about going back to what I thought was right.

I'm done now. I have to go clean up before my Mom gets here. Yippieeee. My non-stop song is currently - a Drake song. I KNOW! lol, Lame & typical, OF COURSE. But, seriously, I love it. Lissteennn!





"They tryna shoot down my flight, before it lands ... but you can miss me for all that."





-IJ

Pretty Spring Days with White Castle.

—today exemplifies just that. It's like a good 70 or so with a little breeze. Yaaay. I loveee stuff like that. I should have went to Bellmawr beach with my Mom, but I went to the movies with my homeboy Pavan andddd now I'm trying to see what's up for later. OMG, she's bringing home WHITE CASTLE!! I know, I'm soooooooooo stoked. (NOTE: I'VE ACTUALLY HAD WHITE CASTLE BEFORE; WE USED TO GO LIKE EVERY OTHER DAY. NO EXAGGERATION! lol.) No, I have never seen the entire Harold & Kumar jawn, but believe it or not, White Castle actually existed before the movie came out. Crazy, right?!?! I KNOW.

Best Saturday Afternoon everr, lol. Hopefully it gets better.

I think I'll spend the next hour doing homework. About that whole "not doing work on Sundays" thing? Lmao, I'm a fraud. I know I'll be doing HW all day tomorrow. Oh welllll, procrastination is my third middle name. Don't even ASK what the other two are... lmao, i have a love-hate thing with those stupid names.

I'm in a good mood, probably because I accomplished a lot after all this week. I can't wait until school is over with. There's only 1/4 left of my Junior year. HELL yes. It was hard, I must admit. I'm just glad that I worked hard, because I know it should pay off. Yaay.

So that's pretty much it. I'm happy with everyone in my life. Time to work. I might post something a little later... I just might. Oh, and I love this song now, thanks to Matt. Yaay, lol.

Sat(t)elite - Charles Hamilton

-IJ

Find A Way.

"I get mad when I don't get my way. I also get mad when I cannot find a way to get somewhere. Suckishhhh. I have things to do today, but I guarantee that these things won't get done. I've been home alone allll week, and it isn't really cracked up to what it's supposed to be."
-IJ 4.16.09

Well, the other day started off suckish, but it ended pretty nice. I got cake!! lol, but I think I want more. It's realllly good. Spent time with the people that I've been trying to spend time with alllll week, so that's something accomplished, I suppose. Yesterday was... lame too. As beautiful as it was outside, I went no where. Shame on me. I hate this. Spring Break doesn't mean shit if you can't go where ever you want whenever you want. As bad as it sounds—I'D RATHER BE IN SCHOOL FOR ALL THAT. But I did stand outside talking to my best friend until like 1 AM. She is hilarious! yaaaay.

So today, I'm DEFINITELY getting my hair done. I have to. So I'm glad. My week was uneventful, unproductive, and idk... ultimately, LAME. It's time to snap out of this lethargic dream that I've been living in since last Thursday, though. I have to get some of this stuff done - schoolwork that is. There's nothing really to work on besides AP History, AP Chem, and some of this music. YAY. I'm going to get everything done hopefully by tomorrow. I officially hate doing work on Sundays, lol. It always feels like it'll take forever to finish. I want to enjoy my last weekday of Spring Break, though.

When it comes to who I truly want, I can't have my way, of course. I have to take into consideration everything that has happened thus far. In retrospect, I think I've ruined everything with my own selfishness; aside from all of the other stuff. Now, I feel as if everything should be the way that I want it to be—how it SHOULD be—but for the sake of becoming unselfish, I guess, I have to act like I'm okay with how it is. Well, no. I never act like anything. In fact, I remind you a lot, and you remind me too. But am I selfish for wanting you to grow some balls, & just be real with yourself and those around you? Okay, "life's not fair," blah, blah, blah, whatever, but if you feel the way that you say you do, you would do it... eventually. Maybe I'm just looking for it too soon. If it happens, you know I'm here. If it doesn't, I'll still be here. I'd just like to think that it'll happen someday—yeah, yeah. Wishful thinking. But, (back to being selfish, lol) in the words of Ryan Leslie, I shouldn't have to wait (good song!).

All of that doesn't really matter to anyone besides me. I just think about it a lot.. I do wonder if things will ever change. but eh. I have to look at what's in front of me. I kinda wonder whether or not it's REALLY in front of me. It seems so temporary, probably because everything is always temporary for that person. So now, I'm kinda out on a limb, and sometimes I think I should be pulling myself away from all of it. But usually, I'm content with everything, so I just don't mind at all. Either way, drama is GAY & I've never liked it, and I'm not about to start acting like I do. I won't say "just leave me out of it," because that's lame, but idk. Maybe it isn't the right time for us to talk. It might just be easier for you if you get rid of the lame ass girls in your life, including myself. Lmao, sucks.. because I'm serious. Leave it alone and focus on you. I hate that you can never really do that.

Well, I'm done. Time to get dressed. Missy's supposed to come like 11. So, until next time. And hey, I want to keep playing this song overr and overrr. I'm not a stripper... lmao, but I do love this. "Throw your ones up in the aiirrrr for herrrr,"








-IJ

Chocolate Rain.

My day is really suckish so far. I misplaced my wallet, so I couldn't even walk to the salon if I wanted to. Then, more rain. Meaning, if I were to get anything done to my hair, it would get ruined as soon as I stepped outside (exaggerating a bit).

So in the words of Matt, "fckkk my lifeee," lmao.
IT'S ONLY FUNNY BECAUSE I ALWAYS TELL HIM NOT TO SAY IT.
SOUNDS TERRIBLE, RIGHT?

Well, I am pretty down about all of this. I feel as though I'm wasting another day. Hopefully things will get better when Matt gives me my cake. (: lol, Can you believed that he baked a chocolate cake last night, and promised me an entire half of it? Too sweet, right?! I know, I couldn't believe it either. I mean, prefer vanilla cake over chocolate any day... but it's the thought that counts. LMAO.

So there it is. My day is not perfect, but the little things are what truly matter. I woke up this morning, I'm alive, and I'm getting baked goods later. It's minor, but people usually fail to appreciate the 'insignificance' of everyday life. It might not make much sense to you, but I see it as irony. These things seem so unimportant compared to 'what's really going on' throughout the day, but without waking up, we CAN'T go through the good or bad occurrences. Being alive is all that should matter, butttt it isn't, lol. Face it, teenagers don't understand what's really important. Never have, never will. But yea, I'll appreciate today either way.

Now, I think I'll use this free time to start on some of my schoolwork. I haven't touched my book bag since last Thursday. My books are like collecting dust, andddd I think I forgot how to hold a pencil, lmfao (SUCKS, CUS I'M KINDA SERIOUS). Lindenwold Board of Education, why does spring break have to end?

-IJ

Morning Walk?

I would say 'Good Morning', but my day hasn't started off too great. I have to get my hair done, and I'm probably going to have to WALK. My ride cancelled on me. Ugh, I know.

Honestly, I don't know where I got this whole "I'm too worthy to walk anywhere" mentality from. It's so lame, and I really hate that I'm like that at times. It prevents me from just doing regular 16 year old shit, LIKE WALKING PLACES. If I have to walk to get somewhere, I will tell myself no. Anddd, I will actually make myself not want to go there, simply because it requires me to walk. GAY as shit. (No offense!)

I think I have an idea of where I get it from. Besides the fact that I got rides everywhere sophomore year (because my best friends were seniors), and almost all of junior year, (because my boyfriend drove), I am OBSESSED with driving. Well, obsessed sounds weird, sooo I'll just say I'm in love with driving. I love love love it.

Example: My mailbox is like maybe one minute walking distance from my house (or apartment), and everytime I check the mailbox, I HAVE to drive there. It takes literally 30 seconds. But I lovee it! lmao.

So yeah. It's super gay that I have to walk to this salon. I'm so lazy that I'd rather NOT go, than to walk there. But, I can't look this bummy forever & as much as I hate to walk places, I hate looking shitty forever, lol. So, I'll suck it up. Off I go.

Hey, KanYe & Amber Rose can walk! lol:

Good Morning - Kanye West

-IJ

Press Play.

Always loved this. It's not really a song, just an interlude. And this isn't really a video, so just listen:



"Two hour long conversations on the phone, can't get you outta my mind..."
(:

-IJ

Afternoon.

"Relationships, they can be as strange as the weather."
-Common, "I Want You"

This is all too true. It's rainy outside, and I really don't like rain. But then again, what black girl does? So, due to inclement weather, I'm forced to be lazier than yesterday. SOO, now what? Good question. I think I'll start some homework, or catch up on the news. I haven't been able to listen to Democracy Now! because my bestfriend had my iPod in her track bag. I could have listened to it if I reallyyyy wanted to, but since the beginning of spring break, I've had absolutely no self-initiative. I'll probably stay that way until I get tired of being a bum... and I'm starting to get annoyed now. And I was supposed to get my hair done today. Guess that got cancelled. I'm not going to the track meet, and I'm manager. Oh well.

Well, relationships are strange. I kinda wonder why I still care about certain things, but then again, loving someone is all the reason in the world to care. At least, I think so. I'll leave it at that.

RANDOMNESS: I miss Brittany Sinclair! My best friend is somewhere in the Carribbean on a cruise. Her phone is off due to roaming. Sucks, I have free roaming. lol. And my minutes are free at like 6PM. Holllllaaa.

I want to leave something thought provoking... I already linked Democracy Now!, my favorite program to watch. That show is the reason why I never watch TV. So check that out, please?! Well, I just want you guys to hear one of my favorite songs. I'm extremely selfish at times, too. So this usually explains why I feel the way I do, lmao. Good song, nonetheless. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy:

Selfish - Slum Village

PS: All of my forms for St. Albans are filled out! Just gotta mail them, yaaay. (:
-IJ

& Throwin' it uppp!

I fell in love with these when I first saw Taz Arnold's "Vote Obama" video.. & I kinda fell in love with him, lmao. (he's so dope!) He's apart of the SaRa production team, and they're all on G.O.O.D. Music. The price tag on these are pretty steep - $222.00 each! If you don't know who Taz is, or never saw the video, here it goes:

Just a thought...

How do I really feel about everything right now?

Hm. Well, I have a lot on my plate. School is almost over, but it isn't over yet. I need to learn a lot of music for band, and I haven't even started. I need to study for the AP exam coming up like asap. I have to figure out how I'm going to get $5,000 in order to go to St. Albans this summer. I need to get a prom dress soon. And I have NO job. And I guess you can say I'm still dealing with a break-up.

AP exam for Chem. UGH! I'm already nervous. But I'm just going to study hard. I can't bitch out now, I'm already done the class. It's just the test I have to worry about. And I guess you can say I've done okay in the class so far...

So idk.. it's hard to say what will happen. But I really want to do well, and the pressure is on. Just gotta do it.

I know, you're probably wondering what St. Albans is. Well, St. Albans is a private school in Washington D.C. . I applied to a summer program there, the School of Public Service, and I got accepted, which is AMAZING. I cried, lol. So, I'll be in Washington D.C. from June 21st to July 18th learning about government, politics, public policy, and all of that. It is like the biggest honor. So I'm preparing—reading the paper everyday, trying to become extremely informed so that I can make the most out of my experience there. This sounds great right? Well, it costs like $5,000, and I'm hoping and PRAYING that the financial aid will cover. I'll probably get money from the school, but if not it'll be tough. So this whole money crisis is quite stressful, and my mom does an excellent job at reminding me how I don't have a job everyday. Trust me, I've tried to get one, but no one wants me! lmao. It's kinda not funny though. Ugh.

Prom? Ugh, I'm not excited for it as much. I have no clue what I'm wearing. My date is like SO not filling me in, and I'm almost 90% sure that I will just say eff it and go alone. It is too much to even stress over. So yea, as of just now, lmao, I am dateless, dressless, and clueless when it comes to this Prom stuff. Don't worry, I don't need a date. Not that big of a deal, and I'm not dying to get a date. I wanted one, and no one asked me, so I asked my ex-boyfriend. He goes to college in North Carolina, so I think it'll be too much for him & me.

Break-up? Hm. It isn't really recent, but things change all of the time. Me & Bonvincent broke up February 15th, and we're still going back & forth. I don't want to get into detail, but basically, we both don't know what we really want. As of right now, I'm okay with how everything is between us, and I'm not going to lie about that. But I'm still doing my own thing, no matter what happens between us. I've made up my mind, and I have to do things for me. I am talking to someone, and I reaaaallllyyy like talking to that person. I'm not willing to risk the relationship I have with him because of Bonvincent's confusion. However, I am willing to love Bon no matter what happens. He has been my best friend for a year, probably the best friend I've ever had, and I couldn't abandon one of my best friends.

Haha—that reminded me of that catchy & annoying Drake song, "Best I Ever Had". I keep listening to it... pretty weird:

Best I Ever Had - Drake

So this is where I am right now. I did pretty well on my SATs, and I am very relieved (1650). I have a lot to be excited about and I have a lot to focus on.
Hard work. No excuses.
-IJ

First Blog.

Well, this is my first post. So bear with me. lol.

I'm not sure how to really go about everything, but I'll start off my introducing myself. I'm Imani. I don't think my last name is necessary. Almost everyone I know calls me IJ—my initials. I live and love in New Jersey. I am a Junior in high school, and I plan on going away to college. If I get my way, I'll be going here! University of California: San Diego is my dream school. I love Southern California, it's probably my first love.

Besides all of that, I have a simple life & I'm learning to cherish it. I have everything in my life that I could possibly need. I don't have a lot of friends, and I love it that way. I have like three or four good friends, not including myself. I think I'm my own best friend. No one could possibly understand me more than myself. lol, and as nutty as that sounds, it's the truth. Describing me is SO not easy. I can't come up with ONE word, or a few words to truly sum me up.
First, I'm a serious student. When it comes to school, I take almost everything seriously. I came to this huge realization like last year: School sucks ASS, but how well I do in school will ultimately dictate the rest of my life. My thoughts are—I can't afford to ruin my life so soon. I have everything that I've ever imagined & dreamed of waiting for me—and I'm the biggest brat; I still whine &/or complain whenever I don't get my way, lol. So with these thoughts as my motivation, I try to work harder than the person next to me. I never want to fall in line with everyone who is just trying to get by. I'm doing all of this to excell, not to do average and end up settling for what life hands me. Truthfully, before this realization, I was the biggest slacker. I've always been smart (not to brag), but I never applied myself. Despite everything that everyone tried to instill in me, I only came to realize all of this through my friendship/relationship with Bonbon.

sidebar: Bon is my ex-boyfriend. He is the epitome of a dedicated student, and he inspired me to be the same way. Everyone makes him out to be this straight-A robot, but he isn't. He's a normal person, just like anyone else.

Okay, so aside from school and all of that, I love music, just like anyone else. Only difference is that I've been playing flute for almost 8 years now. Label me a band geek, i really don't care. 99.8% of the time, listening to music makes me happy, or at least makes me feel better. I have 3,000+ songs on both of my iPods combined, and I listen to a lot of stuff. Yes, I am typical in a way. I listen to hip-hop, & the shitty ass R&B they have out these days. But I love alternative rock, reggae and dancehall, techno, house, electronica, neo-soul, jazz, and sometimes pop. Uh, I have a long list of faves, but all you really need to know right now is that I love KiD CuDi. Of course, KanYe, Lupe, Common, and N.E.R.D. I have too many Amerie, Kelis, & Daft Punk songs on my iPod, lol. andddd I love A Tribe Called Quest, Feist, Coldplay, Cartel, Jill Scott, Floetry, Erykah Badu, Mos Def & Talib Kweli, John Legend, Musiq, Outkast, Gwen Stefani, Adele, Paramore, The Roots, Lauryn Hill, Sade, Ryan Leslie, Keri Hilson (before the hype), and all that. I know I'm forgetting a few, but oh well.

So yea. Um, I have a close little family. I am the only girl & middle child, which sucks a lot. I'm older now though, so it isn't that big of a deal. I'm a drive-a-holic. I can't wait until I get my license. And I LOVE FOOD. Food is the key to my heart. No scratch that, food has my heart, lmao. I eat everything, almost. I love snacks and cupcakes. Onlyyyy the home baked cupcakes.. not like pre-packaged crap. I live for bake sales. And I love love love Cranberry or CranApple juice. What can I say? A fat girl needs love too. I also have a thing for fashion. Not as much as before, but I'd like to say I have a great sense of style. It's just another way to express yourself, so I try not to hold anything against those who lack it. Usually, people who don't have style express themselves differently, like through art or music or whatever. I'm just glad I can express myself in several ways. And lastly, I like writing. I like photography too, but I'm not trying to prove myself in MySpace pictures... so yea. I have a lot of different interests, and I'm not sure if that's interesting per se, but I guess it is what it is... lol, not to be hood or anything. lmao. Did I mention that I was a huge goof ball? My jokes are always lame, and I always laugh at myself. Not afraid to do so. I hate when people are like always extra serious alllll the time. Like, loosen up! We're only teenagers.


Hope this whole thing introduces me well. (:
-IJ