"♥" note to self.

I've decided to omit the word 'love' from this post. Too early to tell what I'm feeling now, so it can be a variable.

He effortlessly completes who I find myself as – who I am. I am learning how to become at peace with myself, and yet I joyously fail. I find myself in you. Where I want to be and where I’d like to be… where I’d ♥ to be. Simply, you answer each inquiry. In the end – you’re magnetic, and I’m not fighting it. Although, I should be. You always say you’re no good for me…

So when ♥ feels like this, is it really how it should be? You comfort me; I’m at ease around you. Sweet and hopeful, and I think of this every time. How can you keep me here? I know that I ♥ you, but are you sure that this is what you call ♥? Stumbling over my own thoughts; I breathe, because if I panic, you’ll run off, heart in hand. Yearning for a mutual compassion and understanding, and someday soon. You remember how it was, right? You know, when I looked into your eyes and blinked at the sight of your soul… or when we held each other, cried, wondered, wished, imagined, dreamt of everything in silence, only broken by the whispers of sweet, meaningful discourse, and my lips as they fell on your skin. Unlike anything else, it was. You hold onto that key, with which you can liberate these perfect memories –revert them into our present day, and aimlessly fall back into the ♥ we once knew. Dive in headfirst. Or reconsider ♥. Redirect ♥. Revise, edit, and re-submit ♥… because sometimes ♥ requires a little proofreading.

So think back, but not too far back. Those days are not destined to return – bittersweet. Hold on, though, ♥. Don’t let the magnet slip away from you. You train yourself to be lost, but we both know where you belong. Haplessly, we couldn’t protect it, but ♥ can be renewed. The only ♥ that I find is worth holding onto is this. Just don’t disappoint it this time around. All the bullshit can never aptly disguise how we feel about this, because at the end of the day the only thing that ever mattered to us was… love.

sky high—doped up.

So, this post is for people, clothing, objects, or whatever that is dope, in my perspective. I think I'll start with my homegirl - Fefe Dobson!
I always thought she was lame. Now, I am completely convinced that she is awesome. Her songs are good, she's a lot different from the typical artists in her class/genre. She has her own little edginess about her, and THAT to me is dope - being confortable with one's style & making that particular style seem like hot shit! no matter what it is! I just read on wikipedia that she was considered 'R&B' rather than Rock because of her race; she's white & Jamaican. I can imagine how sucky that miscategorization would be. Not being able to follow her passion - which is CLEARLY Rock. I mean, she's Canadian. lol, black girls in Canada get down like that! haha, joke. Her buzz died after she started becoming more edgy, but she's back! Her new song is decent, and I love it. So yea, Fefe - YOU ARE DOPE!


Next is The Kite Runner. Amazing novel that I had to read for my AP English class. I absolutely love this book. My favorite book by far, and reading it has took my mind off of a lot of things going on in my life. I enjoyed it a lot, and Khaled Hosseini is an AMAZING author. I'm so reading A Thousand Splendid Suns. Hands down, The Kite Runner was the dopest book I've ever read.

DOPE ITEMS: Chex Mix, Cranberry Juice - Nantucket Nectars Big Cranberry Juice, oatmeal rasin cookies, turkey bacon & hot dogs, frozen yogurt from YogiBerry! OMG, I might even dedicate an entire post on my love for fro-yo! I must find an equivalent in NJ or the Philly metro area. Apparently, YogiBerry is a DC Metro thang. Yum yum, nigga!

SIDEBAR: Omgosh, I had a dream last night that I tried on a pair of COMFY stilettos that were SO dope. Seriously! They were cute as hell. lol, and in my dream I was like OMG! I love these! They felt like running sneakers on the inside, but they were pumps! How awesome is that? lmao, I'm honestly considering the whole 'girly' thing. I think it's cute if you do it well, and I WANNA love heels. So, we'll see how this works out, if it works out. lol.


Music Videos - Video Playlists - New Music

Fefe's new jawn!

-IJ

sky high—the decline.

And just like that. Every ounce of self-respect is gone. I bottle up these insecurities. Hoping, praying, wishing, that I wouldn't regret it all in less than two days. "I give you my all and the next morning you forget who... or why".

So now I'm wishing that you didn't know my number, name, or anything. Wishing that you didn't exist. Only because it hurts more than I expected it to. It hits me... like, you really don't care, do you? I could have left this behind, moved on, and pretended that you didn't mean anything. I would have been sort of happy. Now what? I'm stuck. You have every reason to love me, but you won't. Yet, you only need one reason to not love me. At this thought, I honestly become irrate - you don't love me because I called you an ass? Literally, it's that simple.

I lay in my bed... practically lifeless. My energy is sucked out of me. My self-esteem, my pride, my happiness, my joy, my confidence. It's like everything lies within that thought of love - True Love, which does not exist in my life. Only this excuse for being on the phone with you every night. Thinking of you when I go to sleep, only because I feel like I need to in order to stay content. This cycle has been conditioned into my way of thinking. Psychologically, I'm a mess. I break away from it, and I become so self-satisfied. Then I come back, and I secretly hate myself for being so weak, vulnerable, and brainless. You kill every thought of hope that I have for myself. I love you? Why? Because you used to love me, too. The way love was supposed to feel.

I tremble. I am so fearful of this. Rejection. Complete killjoy... this feeling can't be appropriately transcribed into words. Just imagine feeling better than ever, and suddenly, intuition tells you that you won't have this feeling for long. Sure enough, you're ignored. Completely shut out of someone's life. The person who tells you that they love you and miss you every night. That person has no idea what he/she is doing to you, just by saying 'I love you'.

I have no love for myself. I thrive off of the love of someone else. Always have, I guess. I am incredibly weak. I have no pride in myself after being rejected. Just utter disdain. I hate myself for doing whatever to that person. It's always my fault. I'm to blame. Shifting back and forth from happiness to depression. I imagine, dream about being happy. Once I get a few days of this happiness, I live for it. I love myself, but more importantly, I love you. Self-love doesn't matter anymore... I got you for that, right? Until I don't have you... and you leave me in this pain. Tears pouring out of my EARS, because my tears from my eyes couldn't possibly suffice. Where's this all coming from? Why can't I just be stronger than this? Suffocated with this dejection and worthlessness. I feel like absolutely nothing.

I'll never be enough. My love won't be enough, my care, affection, concern. Nothing. In the end, I'm just trying to regain your love, when I know that won't happen. You won't ever love me the way that I love you. I strive to occupy myself with you, and you push me away. I won't give up on you, and for that, you give up on me. Your selfishness is the reason why I can't be happy on my own. Love me or leave me alone, right? Why can't I believe in that? Why won't I ever appreciate another guy? When will you understand that no one else could love you the way that I do?

And just like that. I find myself in this never ending cycle of thoughts. Negative, self-depricating thoughts. In a depressed rut. "Until you find yourself, it's impossible to lose you... because I never had you. Although, I would be glad to. I'd probably go and tattoo your name on my heart.. I swear, I start to think that I'm going crazy".